The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

On Monday, the weekend box office totals were made official and it was discovered that Titanic was not among the top ten films of the weekend. This marked the first time since its release 6 months ago that the film was not among the top 10 films of the weekend.

To help the millions of Titanic fans across the world deal with this loss, we have come up with a few steps to ease the pain and suffering we know you are all going through.

  • Install the Titanic soundtrack onto your answering machine. Call yourself all day.
  • Reenact the tragic disaster in your bathtub by crashing a Fisher-Price boat filled with Weebles into soap bubbles.
  • Hold group sessions with other victims to relive the film's glory days of January and February.
  • Get your Leo DiCaprio fix by renting The Quick and the Dead, Poison Ivy and Critters 3.
  • Log onto alt.movies.titanic.obsessive.nolife.greatestmovieever.didwesayobsessive and post your thoughts.
  • Enjoy a barbecue with the other 45,000 people who believe that in a past life, they were one of the 1,500 victims of the disaster.
  • Lobby the Academy of Motion Pictures Arts and Sciences to rectify the injustice it engaged in by only awarding Titanic 11 Oscars.
  • Drown.
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