The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

The Beach

Life's a Beach, then you die.

Actually that's not quite accurate, it should really go more like, Life's a Beach, then the pot farmers make trouble for everyone.

This weekend, I did my duty and worshipped at the altar of Lord Leo. As in any truly religious ceremony I made sacrifices (my sense of good taste) and I learned a valuable life lesson (he's really not worth $20 million dollars.)

The film is The Beach. And it's pretty lame. It's the story of this island paradise out in the middle of nowhere. Lord Leo and friends stumble onto it by following a map left by a dead guy (always a good idea) and find themselves in the midst of a lost hippie colony. Sorta like the Commune That Time Forgot. Everyone there is happy, they fish, swim, play soccer (although they all call it 'football' because they're lame and British), fiddle with their Gameboys and sit around a campfire at night singing stupid hippie songs.


Naturally, Lord Leo screws everything up.

Lord Leo stars as Richard, and it's a fitting name, because he's a real Dick.

I know he's not playing an ordinary hero-type, but they should have at least made him palatable. Instead he sleeps with his friend's babe, wins her heart, then cheats on her with someone else's chick. All the while he's lying about just about everything under the sun, thinking that if no one finds out, then it's not wrong. Great role model for the kids.

There is no one else in this movie. Oh sure there's a bunch of people running around on the beach with Lord Leo, but you really just start thinking of them as random props for Lord Leo's use. Some of them are cute. Some of them are not. The only other character of interest in the movie dies after, like, 30 seconds. Bummer, that.

So what are we left with? Lord Leo running around without his shirt, slowly going crazy. There are some neat bits where Lord Leo begins to see the world as one big video game, and the beach sure is pretty to look at, but basically, the movie has no purpose. A couple of times it looks like they might kill Lord Leo, and that's cool. But the smirking dorkbag always survives. Lame. It begins with him down on the world (signified by filming everything at night) and ends with him happy about the world (signified by filming during the day). In-between, he swims.

I'm told that the film is based on a book. And supposedly it's a very good book. And supposedly the movie is very faithful to the book. So it should be a very good movie. Whatever, I wanna see people go mad on an island, I'll rent Lord of the Flies.

Why did Lord Leo bother to make this film? I'll tell you why. All-expense paid trip to an island paradise. It was filmed on location in the friggin Garden of Eden. You think Lord Leo would have bothered doing the flick if it'd been filmed on a Burbank sound stage?

I think not.

The Beach gets 2 Babylons. Pretty much a waste of your time, but not ungodly evil. It's awfully pretty to look at, but there's just not much going on. Kinda like Lord Leo.

Editor's Note:

I have not seen this movie, but the one thing I've learned doing this job is if the SMC doesn't like a movie, it's either an Oscar winner or porn. You decide.

The Beach
Rated: R
Directed By: Danny Boyle
Starring: His Exalted Highness, The Almighty Lord Leonardo DiCaprio, King of Kings, God Among Men.

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