Life's a Beach, then you die.
Actually that's not quite accurate, it should really go more like, Life's a
Beach, then the pot farmers make trouble for everyone.
This weekend, I did my duty and worshipped at the altar of Lord Leo. As in
any truly religious ceremony I made sacrifices (my sense of good taste) and I
learned a valuable life lesson (he's really not worth $20 million dollars.)
The film is The Beach. And it's pretty lame. It's the story of this island
paradise out in the middle of nowhere. Lord Leo and friends stumble onto it
by following a map left by a dead guy (always a good idea) and find
themselves in the midst of a lost hippie colony. Sorta like the Commune That
Time Forgot. Everyone there is happy, they fish, swim, play soccer (although
they all call it 'football' because they're lame and British), fiddle with
their Gameboys and sit around a campfire at night singing stupid hippie songs.
Naturally, Lord Leo screws everything up.
Lord Leo stars as Richard, and it's a fitting name, because he's a real Dick.
I know he's not playing an ordinary hero-type, but they should have at least
made him palatable. Instead he sleeps with his friend's babe, wins her
heart, then cheats on her with someone else's chick. All the while he's
lying about just about everything under the sun, thinking that if no one
finds out, then it's not wrong. Great role model for the kids.
There is no one else in this movie. Oh sure there's a bunch of people
running around on the beach with Lord Leo, but you really just start thinking
of them as random props for Lord Leo's use. Some of them are cute. Some of
them are not. The only other character of interest in the movie dies after,
like, 30 seconds. Bummer, that.
So what are we left with? Lord Leo running around without his shirt, slowly
going crazy. There are some neat bits where Lord Leo begins to see the world
as one big video game, and the beach sure is pretty to look at, but
basically, the movie has no purpose. A couple of times it looks like they
might kill Lord Leo, and that's cool. But the smirking dorkbag always
survives. Lame. It begins with him down on the world (signified by filming
everything at night) and ends with him happy about the world (signified by
filming during the day). In-between, he swims.
I'm told that the film is based on a book. And supposedly it's a very good
book. And supposedly the movie is very faithful to the book. So it should
be a very good movie. Whatever, I wanna see people go mad on an island, I'll
rent Lord of the Flies.
Why did Lord Leo bother to make this film? I'll tell you why. All-expense
paid trip to an island paradise. It was filmed on location in the friggin
Garden of Eden. You think Lord Leo would have bothered doing the flick if
it'd been filmed on a Burbank sound stage?
I think not.
The Beach gets 2 Babylons. Pretty much a waste of your time, but not ungodly
evil. It's awfully pretty to look at, but there's just not much going on.
Kinda like Lord Leo.
I have not seen this movie, but the one thing I've learned doing this job is
if the SMC doesn't like a movie, it's either an Oscar winner or porn. You
Directed By: Danny Boyle
Starring: His Exalted Highness, The Almighty Lord Leonardo DiCaprio, King of
Kings, God Among Men.