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The Self-Made Critic's Summer Movie Preview 2000

Summer is here!!! Yeah!!!!!

Finally, the good movies get released, and everyone can enjoy the fruit of filmmaker's labors. But there are so many movies coming out? You can't see all of them, how to choose?

You listen to me, and you learn from the master.

Instead of going over the movies in order of their release dates, as I usually do, I have decided to run down the list in order of how well I expect them to do. So here are the 20 biggest films of the Summer.

1) Mission: Impossible 2

It's Tom Cruise. It's John Woo. It's action like you ain't never seen. Hell, the trailer is more exciting than most action movies that come around. We're all dying to see Cruise flex his action muscle after puttering through a few movies where he actually tried to act. Come back to us Tommy; run, shoot, sleep with women. It's worked before, it'll work again.

2) Dinosaur

It's the Disney animated film du jour. Plus, it's about dinosaurs. We love dinosaurs. The animation is so realistic, there've been rumors that Disney actually used a time machine to go back in time and get footage. Whatever, after Jurassic Park made dinosaurs seem mean, thank the Lord that Disney is around to show us all how nice and cute they really were.

3) The Patriot

His name is Mel Gibson. He's from Australia. We have seen him play a famous Scottish hero in Braveheart and a Danish prince in Hamlet, so it's only natural that he play an American revolutionary war hero. You know, the guy's so cute, he could play a lemur and it'd make 100 million.

4) Me, Myself and Irene

There once was an actor named Jim Carrey. He made comedies that made tons of money. Then he tried to get an Oscar and was cheated twice in a row. So fine, here comes another huge money-making comedy. He plays the title roles of Me AND Myself. He was actually going to play Irene also, but since he couldn't get nominated for Man on the Moon, the directors figured that meant he wasn't a good actor, and they didn't want to stretch him too much.

5) Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps

Eddie Murphy comes back and plays, like, seventeen roles. Seems his scenes as The Klumps family were so popular in the first movie, they added some step-sisters, a couple cousins, a great aunt and a pet dog for Murphy to play. More Murphy equals mo' money! Should be fun, expect lots of fart jokes.

6) The Perfect Storm

George Clooney has been in some of the best movies in the last few years. But they never make any money. Three Kings. Out of Sight. Batman and Robin. OK, I'm kidding about Batman and Robin. Point is, he's finally realized that if you want a movie to make money, you need a really cool special effect. And he's got one here. It's a 100-foot wave. Have you seen the trailer? This film's gonna do for the ocean what Blair Witch did for the woods.

7) Gone in 60 Seconds

Car chases, car chases, car chases. Nick Cage steals 50 cars. Angelina Jolie pouts with those gravity-defying lips. The neatest thing about this movie is that it's a total action blockbuster with explosions and crashes and violence and yet can open the trailer with "Academy Award winner Nicolas Cage and Academy Award winner Angelina Jolie give up acting to crash some cars in Gone in 60 Seconds!"

8) What Lies Beneath

Harrison Ford. Michelle Pfeiffer. Ghosts. Directed by Robert Zemeckis. There's really nothing else you need to know about this movie.

9) Battlefield Earth

Is it a sci-fi epic or a Scientology recruitment flick? Who cares, it's us vs. the Aliens! Go Earth! Plus, John Travolta acknowledged that he's too old, fat and bloated to be the hero, so he plays the old, fat and bloated evil alien. Score one for realism!

10) Gladiator

Yes, it's released on May 5th. It's still a summer movie. In fact, it's the first summer movie. Russell Crowe hacks and slashes his way through the Roman Coliseum. Lions and Tigers and swords, oh my! Get used to the sword thing, Lord of the Rings is just around the corner...

11) X-Men

One of the most successful comic book series ever becomes a huge, multi-million dollar budgeted action flick. They're mutants. They're coming to save the day. They're led by Captain Picard. They're here to give a new definition to the term Generation X. Should be fun.

12) The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle

Live action Robert DeNiro, Jason Alexander and Rene Russo battle against an animated Rocky and Bullwinkle. It's for kids. Animation and Live action. "Again? That trick never works!" Actually it worked great for Roger Rabbit, it's gonna work great this time as well.

13) The Legend of Bagger Vance

Why does anyone care about a drama about a golf pro in the 1950s and his black caddie? Because it stars Matt Damon and Will Smith and is directed by Robert Redford. This could actually be a lot bigger than we all think.

14) Space Cowboys

Score one for the old guys. Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald Sutherland and James Garner go into space to save the world. Hope they brought enough Depends for everyone.

15) Hollow Man

Every time Kevin Bacon stars in another movie, everyone makes jokes about how the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game just got that much easier. So I won't do that. I'll just saw that he plays a creepy invisible stalker-type guy. Creepy. Cool. Kevin Bacon. (By the way, I have Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon score of 3, myself.)

16) Shaft

Samuel L. Jackson is the perfect Shaft. There is truly no one better who could have played him. He's bad-ass, and don't you forget it. If nothing else, should have a kick-ass soundtrack.

17) Chicken Run

Did you ever see any of the Wallace and Gromit shorts? They're hysterical. Well director Nick Park got a feature deal out of them, and here's the result. A bunch of chickens decide to escape from the chicken farm. It's claymation, and it's gonna be a knee-slapper.

18) Scary Movie

A parody of Scream. The thing is, I thought Scream was supposed to be a parody of the horror genre itself. Whatever, this movie is actually a combination of two older projects, Scream If You Know What I Did Last Halloween and Last Summer I Screamed Because Friday the 13th Fell on Halloween. I think that just about says all you need to know.

19) Titan A.E.

Sci-fi animation. Earth has been destroyed and humanity is on the verge of extinction. Sounds like an animated version of Battlefield Earth to me.

20) Shanghai Noon

Jackie Chan does the old west. That is not only the plot, tag line and concept, it's also the entire script.

Other films of note that didn't crack my top 20 include Gwyneth Paltrow in Bounce, Gwyneth Paltrow in Duets, Sly Stallone in Get Carter, Robert DeNiro and Cuba Gooding Jr. in Navy Diver, Tom Greene in Road Trip, Freddie Prinze Jr. in Boys and Girls and yet another modern teenage Shakespearean remake called O.

So there's my list. Want to prove you can do better? Soon, little one. Very soon.

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