The Self-Made Critic's Summer Movie Preview 2000
Summer is here!!! Yeah!!!!!
Finally, the good movies get released, and everyone can enjoy the fruit of
filmmaker's labors. But there are so many movies coming out? You can't see
all of them, how to choose?
You listen to me, and you learn from the master.
Instead of going over the movies in order of their release dates, as I
usually do, I have decided to run down the list in order of how well I expect
them to do. So here are the 20 biggest films of the Summer.
1) Mission: Impossible 2
It's Tom Cruise. It's John Woo. It's action like you ain't never seen.
Hell, the trailer is more exciting than most action movies that come around.
We're all dying to see Cruise flex his action muscle after puttering through
a few movies where he actually tried to act. Come back to us Tommy; run,
shoot, sleep with women. It's worked before, it'll work again.
It's the Disney animated film du jour. Plus, it's about dinosaurs. We love
dinosaurs. The animation is so realistic, there've been rumors that Disney
actually used a time machine to go back in time and get footage. Whatever,
after Jurassic Park made dinosaurs seem mean, thank the Lord that Disney is
around to show us all how nice and cute they really were.
3) The Patriot
His name is Mel Gibson. He's from Australia. We have seen him play a famous
Scottish hero in Braveheart and a Danish prince in Hamlet, so it's only
natural that he play an American revolutionary war hero. You know, the guy's
so cute, he could play a lemur and it'd make 100 million.
4) Me, Myself and Irene
There once was an actor named Jim Carrey. He made comedies that made tons of
money. Then he tried to get an Oscar and was cheated twice in a row. So
fine, here comes another huge money-making comedy. He plays the title roles
of Me AND Myself. He was actually going to play Irene also, but since he
couldn't get nominated for Man on the Moon, the directors figured that meant
he wasn't a good actor, and they didn't want to stretch him too much.
5) Nutty Professor 2: The Klumps
Eddie Murphy comes back and plays, like, seventeen roles. Seems his scenes
as The Klumps family were so popular in the first movie, they added some
step-sisters, a couple cousins, a great aunt and a pet dog for Murphy to
play. More Murphy equals mo' money! Should be fun, expect lots of fart
6) The Perfect Storm
George Clooney has been in some of the best movies in the last few years.
But they never make any money. Three Kings. Out of Sight. Batman and
Robin. OK, I'm kidding about Batman and Robin. Point is, he's finally
realized that if you want a movie to make money, you need a really cool
special effect. And he's got one here. It's a 100-foot wave. Have you seen
the trailer? This film's gonna do for the ocean what Blair Witch did for the
7) Gone in 60 Seconds
Car chases, car chases, car chases. Nick Cage steals 50 cars. Angelina
Jolie pouts with those gravity-defying lips. The neatest thing about this
movie is that it's a total action blockbuster with explosions and crashes and
violence and yet can open the trailer with "Academy Award winner Nicolas Cage
and Academy Award winner Angelina Jolie give up acting to crash some cars in
Gone in 60 Seconds!"
8) What Lies Beneath
Harrison Ford. Michelle Pfeiffer. Ghosts. Directed by Robert Zemeckis.
There's really nothing else you need to know about this movie.
9) Battlefield Earth
Is it a sci-fi epic or a Scientology recruitment flick? Who cares, it's us
vs. the Aliens! Go Earth! Plus, John Travolta acknowledged that he's too
old, fat and bloated to be the hero, so he plays the old, fat and bloated
evil alien. Score one for realism!
Yes, it's released on May 5th. It's still a summer movie. In fact, it's the
first summer movie. Russell Crowe hacks and slashes his way through the
Roman Coliseum. Lions and Tigers and swords, oh my! Get used to the sword
thing, Lord of the Rings is just around the corner...
One of the most successful comic book series ever becomes a huge,
multi-million dollar budgeted action flick. They're mutants. They're coming
to save the day. They're led by Captain Picard. They're here to give a new
definition to the term Generation X. Should be fun.
12) The Adventures of Rocky and Bullwinkle
Live action Robert DeNiro, Jason Alexander and Rene Russo battle against an
animated Rocky and Bullwinkle. It's for kids. Animation and Live action.
"Again? That trick never works!" Actually it worked great for Roger Rabbit,
it's gonna work great this time as well.
13) The Legend of Bagger Vance
Why does anyone care about a drama about a golf pro in the 1950s and his
black caddie? Because it stars Matt Damon and Will Smith and is directed by
Robert Redford. This could actually be a lot bigger than we all think.
14) Space Cowboys
Score one for the old guys. Clint Eastwood, Tommy Lee Jones, Donald
Sutherland and James Garner go into space to save the world. Hope they
brought enough Depends for everyone.
15) Hollow Man
Every time Kevin Bacon stars in another movie, everyone makes jokes about how
the Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon game just got that much easier. So I won't do
that. I'll just saw that he plays a creepy invisible stalker-type guy.
Creepy. Cool. Kevin Bacon. (By the way, I have Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon
score of 3, myself.)
Samuel L. Jackson is the perfect Shaft. There is truly no one better who
could have played him. He's bad-ass, and don't you forget it. If nothing
else, should have a kick-ass soundtrack.
17) Chicken Run
Did you ever see any of the Wallace and Gromit shorts? They're hysterical.
Well director Nick Park got a feature deal out of them, and here's the
result. A bunch of chickens decide to escape from the chicken farm. It's
claymation, and it's gonna be a knee-slapper.
18) Scary Movie
A parody of Scream. The thing is, I thought Scream was supposed to be a
parody of the horror genre itself. Whatever, this movie is actually a
combination of two older projects, Scream If You Know What I Did Last
Halloween and Last Summer I
Screamed Because Friday the 13th Fell on Halloween. I think that just about
says all you need to know.
19) Titan A.E.
Sci-fi animation. Earth has been destroyed and humanity is on the verge of
extinction. Sounds like an animated version of Battlefield Earth to me.
20) Shanghai Noon
Jackie Chan does the old west. That is not only the plot, tag line and
concept, it's also the entire script.
Other films of note that didn't crack my top 20 include Gwyneth Paltrow in
Bounce, Gwyneth Paltrow in Duets, Sly Stallone in Get Carter, Robert DeNiro
and Cuba Gooding Jr. in Navy Diver, Tom Greene in Road Trip, Freddie Prinze
Jr. in Boys and Girls and yet another modern teenage Shakespearean remake
So there's my list. Want to prove you can do better? Soon, little one. Very soon.