by The Self-Made Critic

I saw Star Trek: Insurrection. The crew of the Enterprise save Club Med from a race of people who have all had bad face-lifts.

Yada, yada, yada. Who cares? As far as Star Trek lore is concerned, there is but one truism regarding the movies: The even numbered movies are good, the odd numbered movies are bad.

Since the film I saw is actually Star Trek 9 (disguised as Star Trek: Insurrection), this is a bad movie. End of review, right?

Well, no.

It turns out, that while the even-odd debate has proven more or less true, it is only a coincidence and the actual system used to determine whether or not the film will be good is much, much more complicated.

And I am going to describe it for you here.

Start with 50 Points, then add or subtract accordingly:

The Film was based on a TV episode: +20

The Film featured one of the stars of 7th Heaven: +10

The Film featured Spock's Father as Spock's Father: +5

The Film featured Spock's Father as a Klingon: +10

A major member of the series was died during the film (either permanently or temporarily): -15

The captain had some kind of new love interest (ex-wives do not count): +10

The main story nothing to do with anyone related to a crew member: +10

Star Trek got religion: -20

There were extensive ship-to-ship battle scenes: +15

The Enterprise was destroyed: -10

The Film was directed by the first officer: +10

The Film was directed by the captain: -10

A guest star was once nominated for a Golden Globe Award: +5

The film featured a minor actor in a minor role who would eventually become a regular cast member on a Star Trek series: + 5

The crew of the Enterprise saved earth: +10

The Film was really an allegorical allusion to how we, as a people, need to be nicer to each other: -15

There was something weird going on with the all-logical/non-feeling character of Spock and/or Data: +5

The crew of the Enterprise broke a direct order from Starfleet: -5

Someone traveled through time: +5

The Villain was a machine, a bunch of pansy whales, or God: -15

The Villain was Mr. Roarke: +15

Totaling up the points, we end up with the following scores:

Star Trek: The Motion Picture: 75
Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan: 90
Star Trek III: The Search For Spock: 50
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home: 85
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier: 5
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country: 90
Star Trek: Generations: 70
Star Trek: First Contact: 120

And finally,

Star Trek: Insurrection: 70

So one quick look will show that while the latest installment into the Trek franchise is not the worst trek film out there, it is also not the best.

Be warned. I'm giving it 3 1/2 Babylons. If you are someone who lives and dies by all things Trek, then you have already seen this movie, so what do you care what I give it? If you're not, you can see it if you want, but you don't have to. Paramount doesn't care, they've got enough fanatics out there to guarantee a profit.

Editor's Note:

Here is my scoring system so you can determine whether or not the SMC is a total geek:

Start with Zero points, then add or subtract accordingly:

The SMC actually knows who the new Mr. Roarke is: +100
The SMC actually knows the cast of 7th Heaven: +200
The SMC actually wrote this review: +One Zillion

Star Trek: Insurrection
Rated: PG
Directed By: Jonathan Frakes
Starring: What? You don't know who stars in these movies? It's the same people who starred in the last Star Trek movie. The same people who will star in the next Star Trek movie. Either you know who they are, or you don't care. Oh, and F. Murray Abraham is in it too.