There are a lot of things to be scared of in this world. Wolves. Spiders.
Knife-wielding Psychotic Ex-Editors. The list goes on. One thing you
really won't find on that list is a big, golden ball.
So naturally Hollywood just poured a bunch of dough into a film about a
Now I'm sure they had the right intention. I mean this is based on a Michael
Crighton book. And after such masterpieces as Congo and The Lost World, it
is easy to see why everyone wants to turn his stories into big-budget
monstrocities. Plus, it's an underwater epic. And we all know how
successful those movies are. (Forget Titanic, look at Waterworld, The Abyss,
Hard Deep Rising Rain and Captain Ron.)
Plus, let's cast three of the hottest young actors in the world. Dustin
Hoffman, Sharon Stone and Samuel L. Jackson - fresh off their success of, in
order, Mad City, Last Dance and Jackie "My God This Is Long" Brown.
Sounds too good to pass up? Then you too may grow up to be a brainless
(Note to Editor - Please try to temper my hostility, I may want work for
these people some day. But keep it funny.)
Still, to be honest, I rather liked the movie, even if the theater was pretty
much empty except for the few who thought this was some kind of "Titanic"
sequel. Here's the story.
They find a spaceship at the bottom of the ocean that's been there for three
hundred years. Inside the spaceship is a big, golden sphere. Then some guy
named Jerry gets happy. Hilarity ensues.
Truth told, the neatest thing about this flick was that Sharon Stone came
right out and acknowledged that she has a huge scar on her neck. You gotta
figure it's from some kinky plastic bag over the head during sex thing. Or
maybe she took her ice-pick scene from Basic Instinct too literally.
Most of the film is taken up with various people dying one by one. The
supporting cast is made up of some class acts including the guy from the
Scream movies and that rapper woman. (Note to Editor - Please fill in names.)
But basically, this is a three person show, and there's just no way around
Dustin Hoffman plays a knebbish dork who used to sleep with Sharon Stone.
(Yeah, figure THAT one out.) He's whiney and knebbish and just about
everything terrifies him. Sharon Stone made a huge mistake by cutting her
hair. I have no idea what else happened because I spent the entire movie
trying to figure out why she cut her hair. And Samuel L. Jackson, well, he
gets naked for a shower scene. There ya go.
Is this movie worth your time? Actually, yes. If you like tension-filled,
intellectual thrillers. If you want a big action blow-out, then no. But it
is well made, well acted, and well written. Kudos to all. Let's have a
love-fest and dance a two-step.
I give Sphere 3 1/4 Babylons. I'd give it more, but that would be wrong.
(Note to Editor - I think I used that joke before, put in a new one. Make
Hi everybody. I'm Barry, and I'm the new editor. Hope you all liked the
review. I think Mr. Critic is just the neatest guy in the world. He has
interesting taste in underwear. See ya next week!
Directed By: Barry Levinson
Starring: Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson, The Guy From
Scream, The Rapper Woman and some other people. And a Sphere. This job