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Idiocy reigns in movies. But what if it didn't? Here now are a few of this year's films, and how they would go if the characters weren't total idiots. Jurassic Park 3 EXT. SHORES OF DINOSAUR ISLAND A young boy and his step-father go hang gliding off the coasts of Dinosaur Island. Something bad happens, they crash onto the island. INT. LECTURE HALL DR. GRANT addresses students. DR. GRANT No force on Earth would ever get me to go back to that island. INT. RESTURANT COUPLE convinces Dr. Grant to take them to the island. COUPLE We'll pay you two million dollars. INT. BANK Dr. Grant tries to cash the check. TELLER I'm sorry sir, there's no money in that account. DR. GRANT Well then, so much for going back to that island. THE END Hearts In Atlantis INT. BOARDING HOUSE Strange new TENANT talks to BOBBY. TENANT If you notice anything strange, let me know. People are after me. EXT. STREET Bobby sees first sign on telephone pole. INT. BOARDING HOUSE Bobby runs up to strange new tenant. BOBBY I found this note on a telephone pole. TENANT Oh my, thank you. Well, see ya! Strange new tenant leaves. THE END The Musketeer EXT. FRENCH FARM Evil man kills D'Artagnan's mother and father in front of his eyes. Six year-old D'Artangan bravely swings sword at evil man, slicing him in the eye. EVIL MAN My eye! Why you little...! Evil man runs his sword through D'Artangan, killing six year-old boy instantly. THE END Jeepers Creepers EXT. COUNTRY ROAD BROTHER and SISTER drive by abandoned church and see strange man dumping a body down a pipe. SISTER Oh my God! We have to go back there and help that person! BROTHER Are you crazy! He'll kill us! SISTER Oh right. Good point. Nevermind. THE END The Mexican EXT. MEXICAN COMPOUND Mexican overlord walks up to loser underling. OVERLORD Hey loser underling, you know that American who is looking for you to pick up that gun you have? UNDERLING Yes Boss? OVERLORD He's picking it up to bring it to me. UNDERLING Oh. OVERLORD So why don't you just give it to me now and we can forget the whole thing and go drunk. UNDERLING Works for me boss. Underling hands Boss a gun. THE END |
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