Hi, my name is The Self-Made Critic, and I've been a good boy this year, no
matter what the Wichita City Girls High School Soccer Team says.
As I am a good boy, and in some cases, a VERY good boy, I want to put in my
Christmas request early, to make things easier on you and avoid the rush. I
know how hectic things can get up there in the frigid north, and I'm
considerate of your plight. I told you, I'm a good boy.
All I want for Christmas are a bunch of kick-ass Commando Elite action figures
that attack my friends when I'm feeling peeved. That would be cool.
For reference, see the new Lethal Legoland Flick/Toy Commercial, Small
In this film, there are these toys, see, and they have military computer chips
in them, see, so they learn and become smart and all that, see, and then they
go bad and start attacking people, see?
Oh, and I'm gonna need Gorgonites and Commandos in order to make everything
work. OK, you're confused. The toys come in two types, Gorgonites or
Commandos. These two types always try to kill each other. That's what they
do. Commandos won't kill Commandos, Gorgonites won't kill Gorgonites.
Actually, Gorgonites don't want to kill much of anything, they're basically a
bunch of pansy-targets. I'm gonna need the targets to send to the people I'm
angry with so that my Commandos will try to kill them. Following me?
You know, it's a lot simpler than it sounds. At least the moviemercial made
it look simple. But then, a lot about the movie was simple. Characters,
plot, everything. Which isn't a bad thing. I mean this is summer fun. Silly
and childish, but fun.
One thing about the toys, they have got to look as good as they do in the
moviemercial. I mean the effects wizards have created a miracle! Or maybe,
the toys already exist, and they simply cast them in the film. I couldn't
tell. Seamless. I think you're gonna have to put an Oscar in the visual
effect dude's stocking.
I have one other wish, but I don't think that even you can grant it. I'd like
Phil Hartman back. He's very funny in this, although not in it as much as I'd
like. And there's a cute little dedication to him at the end of the movie
after the credits that I'm glad I stayed for. I know you can't always do
miracles, but if you have any pull, either bring him back, or make sure he's
well taken care of up in Heaven. Thanks.
OK, I have one other thing to wish for. More screen time. See, I'm in Small
Soldiers. Barely. I'm an extra. It's one of the opening scenes, right after
or even during the credits. The main boy is riding his bike around the town
on his way to the store. He rides around a circular fountain-thing that's is
in the middle of the street. A bunch of people are walking around the
fountain, and two people are sitting on the fountain in the back. One has a
big blue jacket on. That's me. It's two shots. I know it's me, so I saw it,
but others may have to search for it. So next time, I want a full facial, OK?
That about sums it up for me Santa. Thanks to Hollywood, I, along with
millions of other boys and girls, want toy guns that actually hurt people.
Violence is the American Way, and I just don't want to miss the boat. I mean
I can think of a few people who will be making this same request of you, and
they'll be sending me the Gorgonites.
I just want my toys as a deterrent, like India and Pakistan's nukes.
Cool. Oh, and while you're at it, could you give 3 Babylons to the
moviemercial Small Soldiers? You could give them more if you like, but it
wouldn't be from me. But then, a Babylon from Santa would be pretty cool,
don't you think?
The Self-Made Critic
Hey, Santa, be sure to send the Critic lots of Gorgonites. And I'm gonna need
some of them Commandos while you're at it. I got a bone to pick with a
Which reminds me! This summer is turning into a disaster! Right after I make
a big stink about how awful Godzilla is and how The Critic picked it as the #1
movie and won't he be red-faced when it loses, nothing is showing up to beat
it! I mean it's only made a paltry $140 million, but nothing is showing any
signs of matching it! What's wrong with this picture! He can't win the
Have you checked how you're doing in The Self-Made Summer Contest? Are you
kicking the living daylights out of the Critic? Be sure to drop by and find
Remember, it's updated every Tuesday with the current summer totals!
The Critic must fall!!!
Directed By: Joe Dante
Starring: Gregory Smith, Kirsten Dunst, Jay Mohr, Phil Hartman, Kevin Dunn,
David Cross, Dennis Leary, and the voices of (get ready for this): Tommy Lee
Jones, Frank Langella, Everyone from The Dirty Dozen, the members of Spinal
Tap, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Christina Ricci. And of course, The Self-Made
Critic as "Guy Wearing Jacket on the Fountain with a Stiffy."
Not that you can really see the stiffy from so far away.