The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features


Once upon a time there was a film called Shrek.

Shrek was a happy, happy, joyful film, filled with wondrous computer animation and amusing and engaging characters. It was a story packed with heart and warmth and plenty of laughs. A feast for all ages.

One day Shrek was released by the mighty movie studio Dreamworks, and set out into theaters across the United States to prove its worth, armed with little more than an easy to spell title and the color green.

Some people were excited for Shrek, as it promised to be a well-crafted film, akin to previous Dreamworks films such as Chicken Run. Others dreaded Shrek, worried that it would never amount to anything since it was neither a recognizable story nor a product of the Mega-Giant-Animation-Corporation Disney, and that it would follow in the footsteps of previous Dreamworks box office stumble-bums such as The Road to El Dorado.

But Shrek was undeterred, for Shrek felt it was well equipped to deal with the ravages of the summer blockbuster world, finding a nice empty weekend to launch itself between The Mummy Returns and Pearl Harbor and settling in for what it hoped would be an uninterrupted month of kiddie movie heaven.

Shrek's tale involved an Ogre who wanted to be left alone. But when Lord Farquaad rids his kingdom of fairy tale creatures and dumps them all in Shrek's swamp, Shrek is forced to action. Eventually, Lord Farquaad agrees to remove the creatures from Shrek's swamp if Shrek defeats a dragon and saves a princess, and so Shrek sets out on his quest, with the help of his witty pal, Donkey.

Shrek's greatest weapon against box office failure was its cast. Mike Myers, Eddie Murphy, Cameron Diaz and John Lithgow combined to be a comedic force to be reckoned with, and Shrek felt it would do well with such a talented cast. And truth be told, the cast performed admirably. Mike Myers was marvelously green as the cuddly ogre, Eddie Murphy was enjoyably hip as the wise-cracking donkey, Cameron Diaz held her own as a bubbly and unusual princess and John Lithgow was excellent at sounding short. All was well with the world.

However, Shrek's true strength turned out to be the utter lunacy in which it reveled. This allowed the little film to appeal to all ages, not just the open-mouthed children who normally eat up animation like hungry piglets wallowing in slop.

One, two! One, two! And Shrek has made a mockery of the beloved Disney films of yesteryear! Hack! Slash! And Shrek has turned this entire genre of film on its ear, skewering the stereotypes like so many Big Bad Wolves impaled on the end of Pinoccio's nose and invoking merriment and mirth from all in attendance, even grumpy critics who were forced to listen to parents occasionally attempt to explain things to their wee ones.

"Mommy? What does he mean that the big castle is Lord Farquaad's way of overcompensating? Overcompensating for what?"

"Ask your father."

Yes, the results were joyous for all concerned. Shrek arrived in theaters and surprised absolutely everyone by being interesting, different, funny and less than half as long as Pearl Harbor.

Then one day, the Fairy God-Critic came to Shrek and said "Shrek, you are an enjoyable family film, and I am going to grant thee 3 wishes and 4 Babylons." Shrek was overjoyed at this positive feedback, and thanked the Fairy God-Critic for his wise words of wordy wisdom. With its 3 wishes, Shrek wished for a sequel, an academy award, and for Atlantis to tank. With its 4 Babylons, Shrek jumped up and down and lived happily ever after.

The End.

Editor's Note:

By the way, I did not write the Pearl Harbor review. It's easy to figure this out- just apply the following logic, which I just made up:

Review {run-on sentence} if TRUE {critic} if FALSE {editor}

Rated: PG
Directed By: Andrew Adamson and Vicky Jenson
Starring: The Voice of Mike Myers, The Voice of Eddie Murphy, The Voice of Cameron Diaz, The Voice of John Lithgow and a bunch of pixels.

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