The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features


Hi. I'm the Self-Made Critic. I recently saw the new film, Shaft. Instead of discussing this movie with my usual grace, charm and dignity, I have decided to moderate a panel discussion about the film. To that end, I have invited two artists to share their unique perspectives upon this film, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera.

SMC: Britney, Christina. Thank you for coming.

CA: My pleasure.

BS: Yeah! (smile)

SMC: OK, let's talk about Shaft. First, how do you think it compares to the original?

CA: This remake had the spirit of the original film embedded deep within, yet I'm not sure if it's a valid spirit for these times.

SMC: Interesting. Britney, any thoughts?

BS: Uhm... what she said.

SMC: OK. Christina, why do you think the movie misses the mark with this generation? Senseless violence and sexual puns never go out of style.

CA: But they do, they really do. It's not the idea of mindless violence that has left us, but the idea of irresponsible violence.

SMC: Shaft is shooting everyone in sight and no one seems to notice?

CA: Or care. They are the bad guys, so it is all right for Shaft to shoot them. The very act of his shooting them makes them the bad guys. Guilt by association. If Shaft shoots them, they're evil.

BS: Hey! Peoples was a bad guy! He pushed drugs! Drugs are bad! Just say no! You shouldn't do drugs! (smile)

SMC: This is very true Britney. However, some people were bad simply because someone else told us they were bad. Shaft is told that a young man is a bad person, so Shaft beats him to within an inch of his life and no one thinks that's a bad thing. Maybe he was bad, maybe he wasn't. Shaft didn't bother to find out.

CA: The original movie was filled with a sense of Shaft being a bad mutha. And that was cool. He was hip. He was the sex machine to all the chicks. It was a very 70s vibe. But it just doesn't translate to the Oughts.

SMC: Oughts?

CA: The new decade. Eighties, Nineties, Oughts.

BS: You Oughts not to use such big words! Hee hee hee!

CA: God, you're annoying.

SMC: How about the cast. Good actors?

CA: Who could tell? The story was weaker than one of Britney's limp-wristed dancers.

BS: At least my dancers can keep a beat!

CA: What's that supposed to mean?

BS: Oh, nothing. (smile)

SMC: Anyway. Britney, did you feel that Samuel L. Jackson lived up to Shaft's 'Sex Machine to all the Chicks' label?

BS: Oh, he is so dreamy!

SMC: OK, then. Ladies, we're running out of time. Final thoughts?

CA: Shaft didn't do it for me. The entire plot was based on something that didn't make sense. There's a guy who they want to pin a murder on. They have his fingerprints on the murder weapon. They have a room full of people who saw him get into a verbal fight with the victim moments before the murder. That same room full of people saw him walk out of the bar seconds after the victim fell. He has the victim's blood on his fingers. And yet that can't convict him? Hell, N'Sync could've figured it out, why not a Federal Judge?

SMC: A valid point. Britney?

BS: I like the movie song a lot. (smile)

CA: Why don't you can the stupid Barbie doll act and say something real?

BS: You're just jealous because I sell more records.

CA: Phoney!

BS: Bitch!

SMC: Ladies! Thank you very much for joining me. In the end, I'm going to be giving Shaft 2 Babylons. Does that sound right to you?

CA: I'd give it less, but you're known for being soft on misogynistic films.

BS: Babylons are phat! (smile)

Editor's Note:

So, um, goodness. According to this review, as far as I can surmise, the SMC is...Christina Aguilera? One of you suggested the name of a therapist for me this week via email. I'm beginning to wonder who needs the head-shrinking now...

Rated: R
Directed By: John Singleton
Starring: Samuel L. Jackson as the black private dick that's a sex machine to all the chicks, the man that would risk his neck for his brother man, the cat that won't cop out when there's danger all about. And former Penthouse star Vanessa L. Williams.

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