Catherine Zeta-Jones is a Goddess.

I'm gonna start worshipping her daily, and so should all of you. Allow me to enumerate her many glories.

1) She speaks with an accent that says "You will listen to me or you will be punished you bad boy."

2) She dances like a vision of grace and beauty. Her body whirls around the floor with the ease of a whirlpool of love.

3) She can kill you with a sword faster than you can say "Oi! This chick is killing me with a sword!"

4) Her presence commands you to pay attention and obey. Her will is stronger than the will of 10 men.

5) She's a total babe.

I have witnessed her coming of age in the Catherine Zeta-Jones film, The Mask of Zorro. Antonio Banderas and Anthony Hopkins are also in it, but no matter. You too will see this movie, and you will be converted to the true faith. The true Zeta-Jones Faith. It is unstoppable.

The movie is based on all the old Zorro stories and shows and films and books and TV dinners and collectible underwear and what not. If you don't know who Zorro is, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you think Zorro is simply George Hamilton in pink, you should really be ashamed.

Zorro is a hero of Spanish-Mexico. He wears a cape and a mask, all in black, rides a black horse, and fights with sword. He also likes to leave his mark, the letter Z, in all sorts of strange places. He kicks ass.

The story of this movie, this attempt at a blockbuster franchise, is simple. Bad guy is greedy, hurting the innocent people (who really need a bath) as he plots for gold. Enter Zorro, who has to stop him. Along the way, an old Zorro teaches a young Zorro, the daughter of Zorro is stolen and becomes the love interest of Zorro raised by his enemy, and a lot of people fall off of horses or get skewered.

Make no mistake about it, this movie is eye candy. It's fun, it's campy, it's a popcorn summer blockbuster. And with that in mind, it works marvelously. There is no hidden message here. There is action and wit and you leave with a smile on your face or you're an old fuddy-duddy.

The key ingredient to the success of any Zorro film will be the sword fights. And they are great. Everyone fights. There are really five characters in the film who we really get to know. And all of them have some great swordplay. Imaginative. Interesting. Fun.

The other key is the horseplay. And it is also great. Zorro can do some pretty incredible things with a horse. One particular chase sequence is just plain awesome. I mean, I couldn't so that stuff, that's for sure. Well, maybe the falling off of the horse bit. I could probably do that much.

All told, The Mask of Zorro is good, good fun which gets 3 5/6 Babylons. But more importantly, Catherine Zeta-Jones is a Goddess worthy of worship. Bow down before her. I would.

Editor's Note:

I'm planning on sending multiple copies of this review to the Self-Made Critic's girlfriend so she can see the way he dotes on other women. Then maybe she'll get mad and leave him and The Critic will be upset.

That'd be cool.

The Mask Of Zorro
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Martin Campbell
Starring: Antonio Banderas, Anthony Hopkins, and her Majesty Catherine Zeta Jones the Blessed.

Special Self-Made Note:

I also saw Saving Private Ryan. I really can't express what that movie did to me. It is an incredible film which you should definitely see if you are old enough. Don't take kids to it. Please.

Forget any Oscar talk, forget box-office numbers, forget Spielberg or Tom Hanks or anything at all. Just experience it for what it is. If you lost a brother or a father or a son or anyone in a war, you will cry. If not, you will probably cry anyway.

In an attempt to bring some levity into this world, I'll let you know that 2 of the three previews we saw before Saving Private Ryan were for cartoons.

Great way to hit your target market boys.

There is no way to rate this film, as it is above any simple review a sometimes-humorous reviewer can do.

Just see it.