You've Got Mail is the most unrealistic movie ever made.

(Warning: Spoilers ahead. I am going to give a lot away in this review about the new movie, You've Got Mail. As if anything in this film could catch you by surprise. I mean come on, it's Sleepless in Seattle 2: Sleepless in Cyberspace. What, you think maybe they'll end up together? You think? You think?)

Fact:

If a pair of over-40's met and fell in love over AOL, they would NOT look like Tom Hanks and Meg Ryan. Instead, they would probably look more like Crispen Glover and Johnny Depp's mother from What's Eating Gilbert Grape.

Fact:

When a man has been helping a woman with relationship advice for a relationship with a nameless entity who turns out to be himself, the woman, upon finally learning that it was really him all along, is not thankful. She's pissed off at how he played her like a fool for so long. I mean, what a dick!

Fact:

No one eagerly asks a person all about upcoming love prospects two minutes after ending a lengthy relationship with them.

"I think we should break up."

"I understand."

"Cool. So, you seeing anyone?"

Fact:

AOL is NOT the Internet. They met over the "Internet." Everyone is talking about how great the "Internet" is. I'm sorry, folks, but they never actually make it to the Internet, they're forever bogged down in AOL land. Deal with it.

Fact:

When one man forces you to close your store for good - the store you have opened and operated all your life, the store you inherited from your mother, who started it years ago, the store which has been your family's identity for as long as you've been alive -- you do not fall in love with him. Usually, you take him to court.

Fact:

It does not take a "feeling" to know when someone is online on AOL. It takes a Buddy List.

Fact:

You can not exist on AOL for an extended period of time and only receive mail from one person, ever. As anyone with an account over a week old knows, your mailbox will very soon be filled with countless Free Investment Opportunities and numerous invites to "Bunny's Special Web Page" for the best XXX .jpgs around.

So is the movie any good? It's everything you could possibly expect. You know what's going to happen. If you think watching Meg and Tom go through the motions will be fun for you, then by all means, go to it. There's really not much else to this film. All the secondary characters are inconsequential and do very little. This is Meg and Tom's flick, and don't you ever forget it.

Except they're starting to look old. Tom's got a fat neck. Meg isn't quite as perky as she used to be. Sad how the mighty have fallen.

For all the wonder about "Will they get the Internet right? Will Hollywood finally get the Internet right?" they actually do a pretty good job. Except it's AOL, not the Internet. But other than never having any problems connecting, they get AOL down cold.

I'm giving You've Got Mail 2 3/4 Babylons. Average, middle of the road. The simple fact that Tom Hanks is so darn watchable is the only true redeeming feature in this color-by-numbers story. Personally, go rent Sleepless in Seattle again. Or better yet, rent Joe Vs. the Volcano, which is really one of the greatest Tom Hanks-Meg Ryan films ever made.

Editor's Note:

Fact:

The Self-Made Critic, an Internet Movie-Review Critic, knows as much about the Internet as a thimble full of glue. You should have seen this review before I got a hold of it. Idiot.

WE HAVE A WINNER!!!!!

Yes, we have our 1,000th subscriber to the Self-Made Mailing List! (We actually had him a couple of weeks ago, but didn't want to tell anyone because you were all signing up so fervently. Sorry.)

His name is Woodson Savage, and he found our glorious site all on his lonesome, which means we only have to shell out 1 T-shirt. We welcome Woodson (his real name, or so he says) and all of you to our little family. And if you didn't win, and unless your name is Woodson Savage, you didn't, fret not. We will continue to give away T-shirts to those of you on the mailing list at an alarming rate. In fact, who knows, we're not all that far from 2,000 subscribers, so keep introducing your friends and family to our wonderment. It WILL be worth your while.

You've Got Mail
Rated: PG
Directed By: Nora Ephron
Starring: Tom Hanks, Meg Ryan and that guy that says "You've Got Mail" over and over again on AOL. I'm just hoping he gets residuals.