Oh the sacrifices I make for you people!

As if Stella's Groove Is In the Heart wasn't bad enough, as if I didn't suffer enough from The Avengers, as if my time was well spent during What Dreams May Bore You To Tears! Time and again I go out to see movies so that you won't have to, sparing you two hours of unspeakable agony.

I have done it yet again.

This time, the film is none other than the current Box Office Bonanza (over $100 mil in less than 3 weeks) The Waterboy.

Ouch.

That this movie was made is a sad testimony to the state of Hollywood film-making. That it is a huge hit is a sad testimony to America and the Human Race in general.

The Waterboy stars Adam Sandler as a social basket case with one incredible talent- he can absolutely tackle the living daylights out of anyone. Once this is discovered, he is taken from his happy position as College Football Team Waterboy and turned into College Football Linebacker.

There ya go. You can write the rest of it yourself.

The script is so by-the-numbers it's sickening. My Grandmother could write a better script. (Does Nora Ephron have Grandkids? If she does, do they watch movies and say, "My Grandmother could write better than this! In fact, she did, and she was nominated for an Academy Award!" Just curious.)

Sandler spends the movie doing a character that would be mildly annoying in a Saturday Night Live skit, but which is totally horrid in a full-length movie. He's a cross between Billy Bob Thornton from Sling Blade and "Benny" from L.A. Law.

The only reason this movie doesn't totally suck the mother lode is because classy vets Kathy Bates and Henry Winkler are mildly amusing in this movie. Although I for one hope against hope that Henry used a stunt butt.

This movie is dumb. Dumb, dumb, dumb, dumb. The humor is dumb. The characters are dumb. The plot is dumb. The script is really, really dumb. It is so dumb, it is almost offensive. In fact, it IS offensive! To me! It offended me! I'm offended at how dumb this movie was! I'm thinking of suing.

I took a long look at this film, and a longer one at the audience taking it in with me, and tried to understand why it is so darned popular. I have some theories:

A) Adam Sandler's inexplicable sex appeal. I mean someone has to be moderately sexy in the film and it sure ain't Kathy Bates.

B) The Football Factor. Being the only important sport currently in season (Baseball is over, Basketball is on hold and Hockey is never in season), The Waterboy cashes in on America's love of football by making a movie about the one thing that is truly behind the sport's success ^Ö people hitting other people very hard.

C) People confused Waterboy with Waterdance and thought this was that movie where Helen Hunt gets naked.

D) People can never get enough of Dan Fouts and Brent Musburger.

E) Mass Insanity.

While not all of these theories may prove true, I'm almost certain one or two of them will pan out.

That's more than enough time wasted on this film. While not as gut-wrenchingly bad as Stella and Her Groovy Pudding or What Dreams May Come to Town, those two movies didn't make 100 million and so we could rest easily. This one upsets the natural order of things. I'm giving it 1 1/4 Babylons. If for no other reason than because Fairuza Balk takes a bite out of an Alligator.

Editor's Note:

So the SMC thinks that Adam Sandler is sexy? Could the SMC be subliminally crying out for understanding and a subscription to Cosmo? I think that the SMC is just cranky because Adam Sandler made the same movie I was going to make about the SMC, called "Pissboy".

The Waterboy
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Frank Coraci
Starring: Adam Sandler, Kathy Bates, Henry Winkler, Fairuza Balk and water.