There is nothing I can say.

It made me cry.

I haven't cried in a theater since Ernest Saves Christmas.

Go see this film. If it's the last thing you ever do.

Well not the last, obviously, I mean I'll want you to come back to the site and play around with us and stuff.

Listen to me, I don't make a lick of sense. I really, really liked this movie.

5 Babylons. More.

Nothing I can say can make you understand what this movie did to me.

But I'll just keep on blabbing away to fill space, since I'm a big-time critic and all that.

Heard any good jokes? How about the one with the three-legged pimp with the mustache?

It's pretty funny, and it has a mention of Xena: Warrior Princess.

Not that I feel like telling a joke, although this is a pretty darn funny joke. First time I heard it, I spit up my Yoo-Hoo. What a mess! I was wearing a really nice sweater and it was just ruined!

But I got another sweater that weekend, so it all worked out OK.

OK, I think that's long enough.

Editor's note:

Somebody shoot me.

TITANIC
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: James Cameron
Starring: Leonardo DiCaprio, Kate Winslet, Billy Zane and a big boat. Perhaps you've heard of it? Titanic?