America kicks ass.

I mean, just the threat of our all-powerful army sends shivers down the spines of the rest of the world, as well it should. Basically, we rule.

We've had hints of this before. Our total superiority in every major war, the way we kick serious butt every time we want to. (Vietnam doesn't count, as anyone who saw the Rambo movies could tell you, we could have won Vietnam if we wanted to.)

But in the new film Three Kings, it's so obvious it's silly.

Not that I'm totally patriotic or anything, I'm not. But I love being the bully. In Three Kings George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, Ice Cube and Spike Jonze are four bullies (but only three kings, still don't get that. I thought that Spike Jonze was going to die early.) They are American soldiers at the end of the Gulf War who decide that they should go steal some Iraqi gold. And no one's gonna stop them, because they're American.

Makes sense to me.

Along the way, the director does some pretty neat things. You get to watch a bullet tear through the interior of a body (pretty gory, but kinda cool. And it's nice how the body is conveniently color-coded so we can tell the different organs apart.) You get to see a guy stick an air valve into his lungs. They follow the paths of a number of bullets from gun to victim. They blow up a cow.

Cool stuff, all.

Funky-looking gore aside, this movie is all about how much bigger, badder and better America is compared to the rest of the world. 30 Iraqi soldiers beating up peasants? Not a problem. Our 4 Americans will save the peasants by asking the soldiers to stop. Simple enough. It's like we're the playground monitors of the world.

"Hey Iraq! Stop being mean to those people!"

"Oh. OK. Sorry America. Won't happen again."

There ya go.

I'm not sure why America is so awesome. It's not like we possess some magical death ray that makes us invulnerable. Everybody and their sister has nukes now. We're not the largest population in the world or anything. We're just... better. Like how Sean Connery is the best Bond. I mean Roger Moore is fine and all, and Pierce Brosnan is certainly nice looking, but... Sean's just better.

Anyway, back to the movie. George is good. He's got star quality. Not sure what that is, but he's got it. You look at him, and you want to look at him some more. And you want him to take care of your sick child, but that might be something leftover from ER. Mark Wahlberg and Ice Cube don't quite have star quality, but they've got the next best thing. Rap Star Quality. You watch them and you expect them to break out into a funky rap. And you expect Mark to pull out his 13-inch male member, but it looks like that was fake after all.

All told, Three Kings gets 3 1/2 Babylons. A fine film, but nothing that you'll forever curse yourself if you miss.

Editor's Note:

I didn't edit much in this review in the way of content - just a few commas here and there. I believe that the SMC did a good job this week, although could someone please count for me the percentage of movies to which the SMC gives 3 1/2 Babylons? I think that "MOST" will be the answer.

Three Kings
Rated: R
Directed By: David O. Russell
Starring: George Clooney, Mark Wahlberg, Ice Cube, Spike Jonze, Nora Dunn and various gory bits of cow.