Ahhhh---AhAhAhAhhhh---AhhAhAhAhhhhhhh!!!!

No, that's not Tarzan's call, it's my cry of torment and pain at having had to watch this tripe.

Today's review, kiddies, is on the umpteenth tale of everyone's favorite jungle hero, Tarzan. The film is itself called Tarzan and the Lost City. It could have easily been called Tarzan and Why the Heck am I Watching This Thing?

Basically, it's a disaster. Where to begin?

The story. We meet up with Tarzan after he's been found, brought to civilization, and properly groomed. He's about to marry his main squeeze Jane. But oh no, someone's burning villages in Africa (imagine that), so he has to go back and save the jungle. There's a bunch of bad guys searching for the Lost City of Your Mom or something, and Tarzan rescues Jane from their clutches three or four times.

Women.

Tarzan is played by young stud Casper Van Dien. He's a hunk. He's also shirtless for most of the movie. Jane is played by Jane March. She's not shirtless for most of the movie. Which is new for her.

Casper is as exciting as a loaf of pumpernickel bread. Tarzan is British, so Casper uses an accent. Lord save us all. Why do actors who have no talent whatsoever always feel the need to try an accent on for size? Keanu Reeves, Richard Gere and Brad Pitt have all forced pain into our ears at one time or another (Keanu does it just about every time he plays anything other than Ted.) Now Casper, fresh off of Starship Troopers, mangles the British tongue with the best of them.

By the way, I found it quite poetic that Casper went from killing every bug in sight (Starship Troopers) to loving and saving all of God's creatures. It's as if he's trying to ward off his guilt.

Jane March as Jane is...stupid. A stupid girl who keeps getting captured by the bad guys so that Tarzan will have to save her. Stupid, stupid, stupid.

There are effects, and they are run of the mill. A snake-man bites a guy, and that's sorta cool, but the funky bits are few and far between.

I mean this film is just stupid. Tarzan's jungle home, which he built from the remains of his dead pop's luggage or something, looks like something out of the wicker version of Better Homes and Gardens. It's stupid. Everyone's stupid. Heck, the animals are stupid. A baby elephant is caught in a trap and Tarzan has to release it before the poachers find what they've caught. Except it's a big fenced-in yard. How the heck did the elephant get in there? It's not like he could have leaped in or anything. I mean if the animal were in a deep pit or something, I'd buy it, but was the devious trap that a bunch of guys put up some fences and locked them shut with chains while the elephant wasn't looking?

You get the idea.

For God's sake, don't see this movie. If you already have, I'm sorry. I truly am. We have support groups for people like you.

Oh and by the way, the so-called "lost city" is a huge temple that you can see for miles around in the middle of a big plain. I mean how lost can that be?

"Hey George, see that big temple on the other side of the river?"

"Yup."

"Wonder what it is?"

"We'll never know."

"Unless someone rows over there."

"Then we'd better not do that, huh?"

Okay, You've suffered enough. Tarzan and the Lost City gets 1 1/3 Babylons, and most of that's for the snakeman and this one guy that turns into a bunch of bees. Spooky.

Editor's Note:

Yeah, bad movie.

Okay. A bunch of people wrote me to say that Marky Mark drank antacid, not laxative in The Big Hit. I know that. I actually left the laxative reference in there to embarrass the Critic, showing you all how dumb he is. But it seems you all think that I'm the idiot, since I should have caught the error and fixed it, being the editor and all.

Seems my plan backfired.

And of course Mr. Critic gave me Hell for not catching the mistake and I had to put an extra coat of wax on his Beamer.

I hate that man.

Tarzan and the Lost City
Rated: PG
Directed By: Carl Schenkel
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Jane March and Koko the Monkey