I don't want anyone to get any ideas from this movie.

If you kidnap a mob boss, nine times out of ten, you will die.

The tenth time you will wish you were dead.

Yet in the quaint little film Suicide Kings, they all end up playing poker.

What is Suicide Kings, you ask? It's an edgy, spunky offbeat flick starring Christopher Walken, Denis Leary and a bunch of kids who used to be. One who used to be the kid from E.T., one who used to be on MTV's Real World and one who used to be Sean Patrick Flanery.

The writer of this gloomy entertainment is unimportant, except that there's a very good chance that he was in the second row in the theater. Ugly, but with babes.

The story of this movie is simple. Five guys kidnap a mob boss to get ransom to pay the ransom for their friend's sister, who has been kidnapped. Got it? So Walken gets kidnapped, taped to a chair, and given a lot of booze. Actually, that sounds like fun.

The film has its moments. Wit abounds. But for me, the flick falls short in a couple of important areas.

Firstly, the characters don't change. I mean you try kidnapping Chris Walken and not have it effect your outlook on life. Ain't gonna happen.

Secondly, they got all kinds of scenes they don't need. Denis Leary, while a lot of fun to watch, has a number of scenes that you just don't need. They don't move the plot forward, they don't strengthen a major character, and they don't have nude women.

Total waste.

Still, it's not a total loss. The dialogue is snappy. The situations are absurd. And there's a severed finger. Rock On!

I'm giving Suicide Kings 2 1/2 Babylons. Unless I discover that the screenwriter has ties to the mob, in which case, this baby's a slam-dunk 5!

Bye for now.

Editor's Note:

I always like a review where I learn something important about the Critic. With this review, I learned that The Self-Made Critic does not have any ties with organised crime.

Good, it's open season.

Suicide Kings
Rated: R
Directed By: Peter O'Fallen
Starring: Christopher Walken, Denis Leary, Henry Thomas, Jay Mohr, Sean Patrick Flanery and Laura San Giacomo in a part that doesn't show any of her skin. What's wrong with this picture?