11/20/96

That's right boys and girls, read that title again. Then look at the date of this review. It was a day or two BEFORE this movie was even released to the public. But how is that possible? How did The Self-Made Critic manage to see a movie before it was released? Did he slide his skinny little behind through a convenient temporal distortion? Nope.

I went to a press screening.

We're talking big-time now, baby.

The movie that broke my press-screening cherry? Star Trek: First Contact.

Now as every one knows, the even numbered Star Trek Movies are the best. And if you add everything up, this is number 8, which last I looked was an even number.

And it rocked!

Now don't just think that I was assimilated by the joy of being at a press screening. (Notice the blatant use of the word "assimilated." Does it work in that sentence? I don't know or care, I just like using the very hip Trek-like word.) This is a seriously good movie, full of fun and wow and woo-hoo!

"Woo-hoo" is a technical term that I shan't bother explaining right now.

The story behind this film is that Humanity is in danger of being destroyed by the Borg and the Enterprise guys have to find a way to go back to the past to save the future. The neat thing is that it's a past that is actually the future, as they go back in time to about 2100 AD and they meet the guy that's gonna invent Warp Drive and change the course of history.

You know, if I lived in the 24th century like the rest of the Star Trek Guys, I'd wanna be on the Enterprise, they meet the neatest people.

Oh yeah, the Borg. Basically, the Borg are a race of beings who are all controlled by a hive mentality and they go around 'assimilating' anyone they meet, turning them into part of their culture and destroying whatever is in their way. You know, kinda like Microsoft.

This is a movie that is a whole lot of fun, whether you are a fan of Star Trek or not. This is simply great Science-Fiction. I predict that it will make some serious bucks for a franchised that is already one of the highest grossing franchises in motion picture history.

The acting in this is superb. Unlike the last Star Trek Movie, all seven of the regulars get good scenes, and the action, while naturally centering on Patrick Stewart, is spread around. First time director Jonathan Frakes does a great job as the movie never really slows down, never falters or stumbles. He's cut his teeth on TV, and his first foray into Film Directing is a success.

Also doing a great job is Nancy Jencks as the person in charge of Dirt Removal. I don't know what that means, but she's listed in the special press thingy under Dirt Removal, so I wanted to show off by mentioning her. Besides, when else is she ever gonna be mentioned?

I'm in it for the little people.

The only thing I didn't absolutely love was the opening credits, and the opening theme music, which was a little tame for my tastes. But nothing can be perfect, and once the movie actually started, things were great.

Actually there was one other problem with the screening. No previews. Man that bummed me out. Just because we're distinguished members of the press, we don't get previews? This sucks!

Already I'm looking forward to seeing another adventure with this crew of the Enterprise, they know how to have a good time!

So in all, I loved this film. Notice that I was vague in my description as I know that this is a film that I would feel very bad if I gave anything away. Like if I told you that Picard and Riker are gay lovers. Oops. Sorry about that.

Just kidding.

It's Worf and Riker.

Star Trek: First Contact gets a scalding 4 1/2 Babylons. It certainly tried for a full 5, casting Farmer Hoggit from Babe in a major role, but without the cute pig, I couldn't give it the full 5. But it came damn close.

Editor's Note:

Now that The Self-Made Critic is a big press-screening success, you might expect to have to start paying for his words of wisdom. Well you don't! Because The Self-Made Critic is in it for the little people like you. So spread the word, make him famous, and he'll remember you when they give him a network show.

Final Note:

Resistance Is Futile

Just wanted to say that, I think it's cool.