Rock On!

Blood. Guts. Gore. Evil Space Bugs. Awesome Space Ships. Killer Special Effects. Topless Babes.

This is the perfect movie.

OK, before I get into how truly mind-blowing this flick was, I need to make a Parental Disclaimer.

Parents. This movie, Starship Troopers, is rated R. It is rated R for a reason. The reason is: this movie will turn your happy three-year-old into a pile of screaming fear. We're talking nightmare central. For God's sake, don't bring your kids

I know many of you may be swayed by all the talk of how this is the next Star Wars or whatever. Don't be fooled. Star Wars was rated PG. This baby is R from me to you and then some.

See, I have no regard for parents who don't listen to these warnings -- and there have been many of them. When I saw this work of special effects art, there was a two-year-old one row behind me. It may well have been the same kid who sat behind me during Spawn, another great kids flick. What are you thinking?

Folks, if you bring a tot to this gore-fest and he turns into a serial killer fifteen years down the road, you have only yourself to blame.

OK, now back to the show.

Wow.

Since I am of age, this movie rocked its buttocks! Leave it to Paul Verhoeven (maker of such gentle fare as Total Recall, Robocop and Showgirls) to take a violent book and make it even more violent. See, in the book, the evil bugs have guns. They can shoot you. In the movie, they can only slice the living bejeesus out of you.

Oooo! Ooo! Here come the bugs! Doh! That guy's decapitated. Doh! That guy's holding his innards in his hands. Doh! They've just burrowed into that dude's skull! Yow! They tore that chick's limbs off! Boy, that cement floor wasn't red when this scene started!

Get the picture?

The great thing about this movie is: it's OK to totally hate the enemy! Really. They're evil. They hate us for no reason. They are trying to kill our species for no reason. And they're a bunch of bugs! Heck, I step on bugs every day!

The other great thing about this movie: co-ed showers! This is a great scene, and this idea needs to catch on. I'm totally serious.

What's this movie about? Who knows, who cares. Bugs = Bad. Humans = Good. Galaxy's not big enough for the both of us.

There, you can write it.

This movie is about as far away from a chick film as you can get. The only bit that takes away from it being the ultimate guy film is that, while there are a number of hot topless women in the movie, there are also an equal (if not larger) number of hot topless men. Yeah. Like I need to see how out of shape I really am in comparison to guys that women actually want.

If that Casper kid were any prettier, I'd have him shot.

Should you see this movie? Well, it's not so much a movie as it is a thrill ride with popcorn. There are scares, there are creeps, there is, and I can't stress this enough, blood.

But I liked it.

Starship Troopers gets 4 Babylons. However, if you are under, say, 13 or 14, it gets 0. Kids, trust me, the toys may be fun to play with, but I doubt the action figures drill into each other's skulls.

Then again, that'd be quite the marketing ploy, wouldn't it?

Editor's Note:

I'm never going to sleep again. They're out there. I know they are. And they're out to get me. They're angry at me because I stepped on a cockroach four years ago in a moment of panic.

Please help me.

Starship Troopers
Rated: R
Directed by: Paul Verhoeven
Starring: Casper Van Dien, Dina Mier, blah-blah-blah. Come on, like you've ever heard of any of these people before. I mean honestly.