There are a lot of things to be scared of in this world. Wolves. Spiders. Knife-wielding Psychotic Ex-Editors. The list goes on. One thing you really won't find on that list is a big, golden ball.

So naturally Hollywood just poured a bunch of dough into a film about a Sphere.

Now I'm sure they had the right intention. I mean this is based on a Michael Crighton book. And after such masterpieces as Congo and The Lost World, it is easy to see why everyone wants to turn his stories into big-budget monstrocities. Plus, it's an underwater epic. And we all know how successful those movies are. (Forget Titanic, look at Waterworld, The Abyss, Hard Deep Rising Rain and Captain Ron.)

Plus, let's cast three of the hottest young actors in the world. Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone and Samuel L. Jackson - fresh off their success of, in order, Mad City, Last Dance and Jackie "My God This Is Long" Brown.

Sounds too good to pass up? Then you too may grow up to be a brainless studio head.

(Note to Editor - Please try to temper my hostility, I may want work for these people some day. But keep it funny.)

Still, to be honest, I rather liked the movie, even if the theater was pretty much empty except for the few who thought this was some kind of "Titanic" sequel. Here's the story.

They find a spaceship at the bottom of the ocean that's been there for three hundred years. Inside the spaceship is a big, golden sphere. Then some guy named Jerry gets happy. Hilarity ensues.

Truth told, the neatest thing about this flick was that Sharon Stone came right out and acknowledged that she has a huge scar on her neck. You gotta figure it's from some kinky plastic bag over the head during sex thing. Or maybe she took her ice-pick scene from Basic Instinct too literally.

Most of the film is taken up with various people dying one by one. The supporting cast is made up of some class acts including the guy from the Scream movies and that rapper woman. (Note to Editor - Please fill in names.) But basically, this is a three person show, and there's just no way around that fact.

Dustin Hoffman plays a knebbish dork who used to sleep with Sharon Stone. (Yeah, figure THAT one out.) He's whiney and knebbish and just about everything terrifies him. Sharon Stone made a huge mistake by cutting her hair. I have no idea what else happened because I spent the entire movie trying to figure out why she cut her hair. And Samuel L. Jackson, well, he gets naked for a shower scene. There ya go.

Is this movie worth your time? Actually, yes. If you like tension-filled, intellectual thrillers. If you want a big action blow-out, then no. But it is well made, well acted, and well written. Kudos to all. Let's have a love-fest and dance a two-step.

I give Sphere 3 1/4 Babylons. I'd give it more, but that would be wrong. (Note to Editor - I think I used that joke before, put in a new one. Make it funny.)

Editor's Note:

Hi everybody. I'm Barry, and I'm the new editor. Hope you all liked the review. I think Mr. Critic is just the neatest guy in the world. He has interesting taste in underwear. See ya next week!

SPHERE
Rated: R
Directed By: Barry Levinson
Starring: Dustin Hoffman, Sharon Stone, Samuel L. Jackson, The Guy From Scream, The Rapper Woman and some other people. And a Sphere. This job rules!