Dear Santa,

Hi, my name is The Self-Made Critic, and I've been a good boy this year, no matter what the Wichita City Girls High School Soccer Team says.

As I am a good boy, and in some cases, a VERY good boy, I want to put in my Christmas request early, to make things easier on you and avoid the rush. I know how hectic things can get up there in the frigid north, and I'm considerate of your plight. I told you, I'm a good boy.

All I want for Christmas are a bunch of kick-ass Commando Elite action figures that attack my friends when I'm feeling peeved. That would be cool.

For reference, see the new Lethal Legoland Flick/Toy Commercial, Small Soldiers.

In this film, there are these toys, see, and they have military computer chips in them, see, so they learn and become smart and all that, see, and then they go bad and start attacking people, see?

Awesome.

Oh, and I'm gonna need Gorgonites and Commandos in order to make everything work. OK, you're confused. The toys come in two types, Gorgonites or Commandos. These two types always try to kill each other. That's what they do. Commandos won't kill Commandos, Gorgonites won't kill Gorgonites. Actually, Gorgonites don't want to kill much of anything, they're basically a bunch of pansy-targets. I'm gonna need the targets to send to the people I'm angry with so that my Commandos will try to kill them. Following me?

You know, it's a lot simpler than it sounds. At least the moviemercial made it look simple. But then, a lot about the movie was simple. Characters, plot, everything. Which isn't a bad thing. I mean this is summer fun. Silly and childish, but fun.

One thing about the toys, they have got to look as good as they do in the moviemercial. I mean the effects wizards have created a miracle! Or maybe, the toys already exist, and they simply cast them in the film. I couldn't tell. Seamless. I think you're gonna have to put an Oscar in the visual effect dude's stocking.

I have one other wish, but I don't think that even you can grant it. I'd like Phil Hartman back. He's very funny in this, although not in it as much as I'd like. And there's a cute little dedication to him at the end of the movie after the credits that I'm glad I stayed for. I know you can't always do miracles, but if you have any pull, either bring him back, or make sure he's well taken care of up in Heaven. Thanks.

OK, I have one other thing to wish for. More screen time. See, I'm in Small Soldiers. Barely. I'm an extra. It's one of the opening scenes, right after or even during the credits. The main boy is riding his bike around the town on his way to the store. He rides around a circular fountain-thing that's is in the middle of the street. A bunch of people are walking around the fountain, and two people are sitting on the fountain in the back. One has a big blue jacket on. That's me. It's two shots. I know it's me, so I saw it, but others may have to search for it. So next time, I want a full facial, OK?

That about sums it up for me Santa. Thanks to Hollywood, I, along with millions of other boys and girls, want toy guns that actually hurt people. Violence is the American Way, and I just don't want to miss the boat. I mean I can think of a few people who will be making this same request of you, and they'll be sending me the Gorgonites.

I just want my toys as a deterrent, like India and Pakistan's nukes.

Cool. Oh, and while you're at it, could you give 3 Babylons to the moviemercial Small Soldiers? You could give them more if you like, but it wouldn't be from me. But then, a Babylon from Santa would be pretty cool, don't you think?

Merry Christmas,

The Self-Made Critic

Editor's Note:

Hey, Santa, be sure to send the Critic lots of Gorgonites. And I'm gonna need some of them Commandos while you're at it. I got a bone to pick with a certain critic...

Which reminds me! This summer is turning into a disaster! Right after I make a big stink about how awful Godzilla is and how The Critic picked it as the #1 movie and won't he be red-faced when it loses, nothing is showing up to beat it! I mean it's only made a paltry $140 million, but nothing is showing any signs of matching it! What's wrong with this picture! He can't win the Summer Contest!

Have you checked how you're doing in The Self-Made Summer Contest? Are you kicking the living daylights out of the Critic? Be sure to drop by and find out!

Remember, it's updated every Tuesday with the current summer totals!

The Critic must fall!!!

Small Soldiers
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Joe Dante
Starring: Gregory Smith, Kirsten Dunst, Jay Mohr, Phil Hartman, Kevin Dunn, David Cross, Dennis Leary, and the voices of (get ready for this): Tommy Lee Jones, Frank Langella, Everyone from The Dirty Dozen, the members of Spinal Tap, Sarah Michelle Gellar and Christina Ricci. And of course, The Self-Made Critic as "Guy Wearing Jacket on the Fountain with a Stiffy."

Not that you can really see the stiffy from so far away.