Never read his book. Never watched his show on E! Television. Never heard his morning radio show. Never read his other book. Never stayed up late to catch his appearance on Letterman. Thought his Fart Man thing at the Academy Awards was stupid and lame.

Thought his movie was pretty damn funny.

The movie, none other than Howard Stern's Private Parts. Perhaps the most-hyped film since... God only knows.

Before you start in on Howard Stern's movie, you have to really take a look at Howard Stern the man. Or to be more precise - Howard Stern the Promotional Vehicle. My hat's off to this guy and his staff, they have done the greatest job of promoting this film that I've ever seen, Starting with one of the best trailers in a long, long time working his way into every magazine and onto every show imaginable, this media blitz has been nothing less than fantastic.

However, all this would be nothing if the movie sucked a bigger Kilbasa than the Kilbasa woman. It doesn't. I laughed a lot, I saw a lot of naked women, I heard a lot of sex jokes. All of this is a good thing. Am I now going to listen to Stern's radio show? Well, no. But I will freely admit that I gave him my $4.75. It was a matinee.

What's the movie about? It's about Stern. What else did you think it'd be about. Stern grows up and becomes a DJ and we follow his career from inception to his self-crowning as King of all Media. Along the way he pisses off everybody including his beloved wife, and gets women to be naked for him and, in one of the most memorable sequences, brings a woman to orgasm over the radio by having her squat over the woofer in her speaker. Now that's class.

The best parts of this movie are the radio bits. This is where Stern made his mark, and he basically redoes his best ones. The Match Game in particular is hilarious. And then there's The Kilbasa Woman. One woman, thirteen inches of Kilbasa Sausage. No gag reflex. You figure it out.

My main problem isn't so much with the movie, it's the concept. It's a quasi-documentary with the leads all playing themselves. So it's a true story, and is recreated by the people involved. Or rather, by one side of the people involved. I mean come on, if you got the chance to tell your life story to America, wouldn't you slant it a little in your favor? It would be very interesting to see this movie made again but from the point of view of the executives who made life miserable for Stern. I mean were they just mean and stupid, as the movie suggests, or did they have reasons and was Stern a pain in the ass? We'll never know, because the winners get to make the movies, and Stern won, no doubt about it.

Makes me want to make my own movie, starring me. My rise from relative nobody to obscure internet movie critic. There's all kinds of conflict like...like....like not being able to get onto AOL from home to send out my reviews. And there's all kinds of naked chicks in my movie too, although mostly in dream sequences. I'd play a great me, it's a part I've been preparing for years. And my editor could play himself, and I'll make fun of his small penis and impotency problems and he'll love it, I mean how else is he going to be in a movie?

So watch for Self-Helping: The Self-Made Critic's Story. My tag line will be "Never has a man done so much for himself for so long." Or something like that.

I give Private Parts a cautious 3 2/3 Babylons. We see what we want to see, and are being told the story they want us to be told. So don't for a second think that you are being given unbiased fact, you're not. But then, who cares? The movie is damn funny, and that's all that really matters.

Oh, this probably ain't one for the kids. Unless you want to explain what those three people are doing in the bathtub together.

Did I mention the breasts? Lots of 'em. Nice ones.

Editor's Note:

I am not impotent.

And my penis isn't small, it's succinct.