Oh my God.

Just when you thought Hollywood couldn't get any lower, they find a way to make a movie with less redeeming value than a tick.

I saw The Mod Squad. Lord, it was bad.

I mean everything you think a movie ought to be, this was the opposite. A blind four year-old could make a better film with a Fisher-Price camcorder. I've seen better film on the inside of my bathtub. This is bad, bad, bad.

Why, you ask? I'll tell you. Everything. Story. Plot. Direction. Script. Heck, sometimes the darned movie actually seems out of focus.

The Mod Squad is based on an old TV show called The Mod Squad. The film is proof positive that some TV shows are cancelled for a reason, and it isn't so that they can eventually be turned into feature films. Three hoodlums are recruited by the police to work undercover. They don't get any guns, badges or anything, they're just supposed to run around and get shot at. Nice work if you can get it. I think the film itself has a plot, but I'm really not sure what it is. It seems to have something to do with Hanson.

There is one redeeming aspect of the film. The three stars. Claire Danes, Omar Epps, and Giovanni Ribisi are all fine as the modern-day versions of characters that really should have stayed in the seventies. These three decent actors spend the entire movie wishing nobody else was in it, and that the story made some sort of sense. Alas, no such luck, they have co-stars.

The movie is lame. Really, really lame. The very end (I'm not giving anything away, as if you care) has our three heroes walking down a pier at the end of their adventure as the camera pans back and into the air, showing that these three are indeed headed... towards the end of the pier where they will then walk into the ocean. WHERE ARE THEY GOING? It's a great "The movie's over, let's walk into the sunset." Bit, but usually, heroes don't take a long walk off a short pier at the end of the film.

Why was this movie even made? I'm glad you asked. It was made because it has NAME RECOGNITION. Everyone's heard of The Mod Squad. Usually, they heard what a silly seventies show it was, but they've heard of it none the less. So they made the film. Nothing new, they've been making TV shows into films for a while, some of them good (The Fugitive), some of them bad (McHale's Navy). But they're running out of shows. Case in point, here are some upcoming films you can look forward to.

SMALL WONDER: THE MOVIE

Natalie Portman stars as the little robot, Vicki, who spends the movie giving whiplash to the family of her creator, Alan Thicke. Also stars Meredith Baxter and Whoopi Goldberg.

COP ROCK

Whitney Houston, Puff Daddy, Billy Joel and Alan Thicke star in the feature film version of the greatest singing cop show ever. Story centers around good cops, bad cops, and the rap stars they emulate.

MANIMAL LIVES

Alan Thicke stars as the half-man, half-animal detective. Someone breaks into Gretchen Mol's aquarium and only Manimal can save the fish before it's too late. Also stars Jon Lovitz, Eric Estrada and Downtown Julie Brown.

Yes, it's easy to see that Hollywood once again has their finger on the pulse of the movie-going public. Oh well, Only a couple of more months until Star Wars.

The Mod Squad gets 1 Babylon. Why not zero? Why not a fraction of a Babylon? Because Claire Danes is kinda cute. And actually, so are Omar and Giovanni, in a manly sort of way.

Editor's Note:

Yet more evidence that the SMC was socialized by Dylan, Brenda, Brandon and Kelly.