There are rules to film.

The world of the cinema follows these rules, and once you know them, everything makes that much more sense.

Rule #1 - The dog's gonna live.

Rule #2 - She'll be in love with him before too long.

Rule #3 - No movie wins Best Picture unless it's at least 2 1/2 hours long.

Rule #4 - Time travel is tricky, and no one gets it right.

It is this last rule which comes into play and wrecks havoc with this week's review du jour, Lost In Space.

Did you ever watch the TV series? I didn't. Don't worry, it's not important.

New Line Cinema approached this flick with the thought of many, many sequels and tons of merchandising possibilities. They took out all the stops and let the CGI effects run rampant.

And we all know how I approve of that wholeheartedly.

Still, as fun and exciting as CGI explosions can be, something seemed to be missing.

See, basically, this two-hour flick feels like two one-hour episodes slapped together. First there's the strange-space-ship episode, then there's the stranded-on-the-planet-episode. Prelude everything with a bit of the launch- the-ship-from-Earth episode, and you've got your movie.

Yet, when all is said and done, this movie rocked!

William Hurt, Matt LeBlanc and Gary Oldman do most of the cool stuff. It would seem that in the 21st century, the guys do most of the fighting and exploring while the chicks stay in the ship and cook. All the actors are fine, I liked little Penny Robinson especially, and most of the actors from the 60's TV series have tiny cameos in the flick.

Side note - Someone tell Gary Oldman he can stop being the psycho-weirdo bad guy. (Lost in Space, The Fifth Element, The Professional) It's time he moved on.

The one thing that really sucked was the cute CGI-created creature, which looked like nothing other than a cute CGI-created creature and had nothing at all to do with the plot. But in the TV show, little Penny collected cuddly animals, so she gets one in the flick as well.

Now let's talk about time travel. For all of you budding sci-fi film makers out there, listen up. Leave time travel alone. Odds are, you're not going to do it well. The use of it in this movie is so bad, teething two year-olds were standing up yelling "That's not how travel through a space-time rupture would work! What about a universal paradox? What about causality? Haven't you guys read Asimov or Niven?"

OK, maybe the two year-olds weren't putting it quite like that, but you get the point.

Hell, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Timecop dealt with it better.

But did I enjoy the film? Oh yes, most definitely. Good fun for all, just leave your brain at home.

Lost in Space gets 3 1/3 Babylons. I have spoken!

Editor's Note:

Is it just me or has the Self-Made Critic been getting lazy?

Do you know how many films he's seen lately that he hasn't reviewed?

Primary Colors
The Big Lebowski
Good Will Hunting
Mr. Nice Guy

Are you gonna stand for this?

I think not.

Write your congressman at mail@brunching.com and express your anger and resentment!

Let's stir up trouble!

Lost In Space
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Stephen Hopkins
Starring: William Hurt, Gary Oldman, Matt LeBlanc, Mimi Rogers, Heather Graham, some kids, a robot and a partridge in a pear tree.