I'm doing this right now because there may still be a chance for you.

Tonight, I and a great number of my friends (the kind you actually don't have to pay for) decided to take in a movie. And we took in The Island of Dr. Moreau.

We have now survived Hell.

This is a bad movie. I don't care if you're excited to see Marlon Brando again, you love Val Kilmer, you grew up with the book, or you wanna see the sub-par special effects. Don't see this.

Save your money. Hell, go see Kazaam or Solo instead of this junk heap.

Why is it so bad? Where to begin....

The story, based on a classic horror tale from H.G. Wells, is that a man finds himself on an island where a scientist has created a half-man, half-beast population. And all Hell breaks loose.

Truth told, the fact that this man, the nearly effective David Thewils, has arrived seems to have no bearing on the action that takes place, he's just the observer, not the catalyst. Which is odd, because any hood story should begin with an event that slams it off the pace of the norm, and these events could happen at any time, and you wonder why they haven't happened already.

Obviously the center of this story are the beasts. And while the make-up is decent on some, on others it is simply comical. The direction, the way these things are played, is silly. There were constant groans from the audience, and melodramatic cliches on the screen.

One of the mutants is some 2 feet tall actor covered with pink boils, and when he plays the piano and dresses exactly like Marlon Brando, you just wanna toss him a penny for his efforts.

Ah Marlon, the good Dr. He is a convincing Moreau, perfect with the style of the film. In other words, he's ridiculous. Eccentrically painted in white to ward off the sun and wearing a contraption that has been stolen from Devo, he's the prozac poster child meets Rodney King. "Can't we all just get along?"

Val seems to be in the wrong movie, as he spends most of it rehashing his role as Jim Morrison, doling out the doobage to the beasties and doing an impression of Marlon that is so disturbing, you wonder if it's a taste of things to come in his future.

There is one hot babe, but she's always in danger of turning into a Kitty With an Attitude so most of her charm is lost.

The island was pretty, shame they had to torch everything in sight.

What it boils down to, is this thing wants to be a morality play, complete with In-Your-Face Message at the end. And it misses the mark. In fact, it misses so badly, the arrow swerves around and strikes the movie in the ass.

Are we animals? Sure, but I don't need to waste $7.50 to learn that.

Stil, I somehow find a way deep within my heart to rummage up 1 Babylon for The Island of Dr. Moreau. More for the classic tale on which it is based than anything else. It's in there, and when it's allowed to surface, it is a terrifying tale, full of wonder and magic.

Pity they had to fuck it up with all the movie stuff around it.

Editor's Note:

This is kinda weird, as we actually have another review on tap which was supposed to go first, but we had to warn you, our public. We needed to get the word out as quickly as possible. We hoped to spare as many of you as possible from this morbid, twisted fate.

Don't let our work be in vein. Pass this review on to all you know, save them, if you can. They will thank you for it later, and someday, we'll all be a little happier, a little friendlier, because you didn't have to see this.

Remember, don't try this at home. I'm a trained professional.