You know, if I'd made a movie as bad as Instinct, I'd talk about retiring too.

I might even do my best to create a time machine, go back into time, and stop myself from ever making this film.

Barring that, I'd begin to circulate rumors that I'd been taken hostage by Glendale terrorists who then sent their imposter to the set and had him make the film instead of me.

If that didn't work, I might begin to plant rumors that I'd fallen into a life of drug abuse and that I'd made the movie while high on White Out.

Suffice to say this is one film I'd leave off the resume.

I'm talking, of course, about Anthony Hopkins, who recently announced to the world that he was quitting acting. Of course, then he signed up to be in Mission Impossible 2, so he may not have been entirely accurate in his statement.

For all those who asked "Why, God why?" at his announcement, the evidence is the God-awful excuse for a film, Instinct.

Along with Hopkins in this disaster is Cuba Gooding Jr. You know, I know he's a big Oscar-winner and whatnot, but every time he tries to play an adult, I just want to smack him and send him to his room. He really needs to find a good script, because between this and What Dreams are Comin' Round the Mountain, he's been in some real stinkers of late.

OK, what's so bad about this film?

Pull up a chair.

Here's your plot. Hopkins spends some years reliving his favorite moments from Gorillas in the Mist and then comes out and kills some people. Now he's in jail and he hasn't talked to anyone since he started picking nits out of his roommate's hair. Enter Cuba, who thinks he's a hotshot shrink who's gonna crack The Hannibal Wannabe and write a book. Guess who ends up leading the discussions?

"There were a lot of killings..."

Puh-lease. He might as well have added, "The Park Rangers were delicious with some fava beans and a nice Chianti."

Hell, why not just call the movie Silence of the Gorillas.

So who's to blame for this travesty of cinema? Director Jon Turteltaub, who brought us Phenomenon, While You Were Sleeping and Cool Runnings. I guess he got tired of writing sappy feel-gooders and wanted to try his teeth on a thriller. He should have stuck to the bobsledding Jamaicans. Or better yet, get the Gorillas to bobsled through the forest. Now that would have been cool!

"There were a lot of bobsleds..."

Is there anything redeeming about this film? Well.... Anthony Hopkins spends part of it looking like Sean Connery's long-lost brother from The Rock. Cuba goes through the entire movie without saying "Show me the Money!" And Maura Tierney continues her career as "That Chick."

"Maura Tierney. Wasn't she That Chick in Instinct?"

"I thought she was That Chick in Liar Liar."

"No, you're thinking of That Chick from Primary Colors."

"I thought that was Maura Tierney."

OK. I've said enough. If you haven't already figured it out, do your best to skip this one. You'll thank me for it later.

Instinct gets 1 1/6 Babylons. I'd give it only one, but I want to annoy the guy who always writes me begging me to stop using fractions.

I'm so evil.

Editor's Note:

OK, OK, I'll admit that the SMC's reviews are much funnier if he actually HATES the movie, but don't tell him I said that.

Instinct
Rated: R
Directed By: Jon Turteltaub
Starring: Anthony Hopkins, Bob the Ape, Cuba Gooding Jr., Helga the Ape, Donald Sutherland, Maura Tierney, Gus the Ape, and six stunt apes which have been trained to grimace on cue and grab their kidneys in mock-pain. Throw those guys a banana.