A quick little Self-Made list of important things that are In & Out.

IN:

Homosexuality. Thanks to Ellen, everyone and their mother is turning gay. What started as a cute bit by Billy Crystal in Soap has turned into a multi-million dollar business, all based on letting everyone know that it's okay to be gay. In fact, I think "It's okay to be gay" is a trademarked motto.

OUT:

Anyone who makes fun of the face cards that are neither Kings nor Jacks.

IN:

Anyone who makes fun of people who don't think it's okay for Billy to hump Frank. Which brings us to the wonderful new film, In & Out. Kevin Kline is outed on national television, and he didn't even know he was gay. In fact, he's due to get married to Joan Cusack in less than a week. In this film, director Frank Oz holds up his middle finger to the establishment in the form of a story about a man dealing with his heterosexuality in the face of all this homosexual stuff.

OUT:

The Muppets. Since Frank Oz is working with gay themes, it brings the entire Ernie-Bert thing into focus for the first time.

IN:

Tom Selleck, Bob Newhart, Debbie Reynolds and Wilford Brimley. When did these guys get funny again? Hollywood loves a comeback, and if it's in a comedy, so much the better. Selleck especially gives a great turn as a rather sedate gay man. That's right folks, Magnum swings for the other team this time. Which has once again given rise to...

OUT:

Rumors that Tom Selleck is gay. He isn't. Deal with it. he's straight, likes women. Seems like these rumors come out every other year, based on a friend of a friend of a friend who saw Tom hold hands with a guy. Give it up. Tom Selleck is not gay. Tom Cruise is.

IN:

A very funny movie. We hadn't laughed much lately, unless you wanna count Shaq's attempt at acting. In & Out is a funny movie, and I thank the world for creating it. It made me giggle.

OUT:

Bad breath. Man oh man oh man. I sat next to a woman with breath so bad, it made my toes curl. I mean this woman should register her salivary glands as a lethal weapon. The stench was so unbearable, I actually gagged. My neighbors were equally in pain with em, and we began to spill sodas on each other in an attempt to drown out the horrid fumes. Ladies and gentleman, if you are going to closet yourself with a few hundred people in a small room, either gargle a gallon of Scope or latch your jaws shut!!! I mean there were children in the audience whose growth will be forever stunted. I say, if an odor such as that is held captive in a theater, it is the duty of the audience to club the offender to death in hopes that the blood and guts will smell better than the putrid scent emanating from his or her lips. Are you with me?

IN:

People who are with me.

OUT:

Jokes about Steven Segal's acting. He's bad. We get it. move on.

IN:

A rating of 3 3/4 Babylons for In & Out. A good film which deserves your patronage. Go laugh. You'll thank me later.

OUT:

Abandonment. Earlier this week, I had my first ever person UNsubscribe me. I won't name names, you know who you are. Actually, you don't. Because you UNsubscribed from my list! You actually took the time out of your busy, busy life to stop receiving one piece of email a week. One glimmer of happiness and love. How cruel! How evil! Everyone write to Miss Lisa Gibbons, of 331 Pact Lane...no, no, nevermind. I'm above this. I'll survive.

What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?? Come back!! Come back!!!!

Editor's Note:

You think he's mad now, wait till he learns that his unsubscriber was my mom.

In & Out
Rated: PG-13
Directed by: Frank Oz
Starring: Kevin Kline, Tom Selleck, Joan Cusack, Debbie Reynolds, Bob Newhart and the Oatmeal Guy.