You know, if I were an alien species looking to conquer the Earth, this is when I'd attack.

People would look up, see the huge monster ships hovering over their heads, and figure it was just one more Independence Day publicity stunt.

By now, if you haven't heard of this movie, you are either in a coma, or Hellen Keller. We've been teased with this for months, we were told that the question of whether or not we are alone in the universe has been answered, we were told not to look up, and we were told not to make plans for august. We've seen the toys dominate our Toys-R-Us's, and we've seen all three versions of the trailer before every film from Twister and Eraser to The Truth About Cats and Dogs.

We have been primed, readied, and told that this would break all records ever at the box-office. In fact, odds are, most of you reading this saw it less than two days after it opened.

Well I saw it tonight, July 3rd, at a 11:15 PM showing. Which means it was July 4th before it was over. I'm a big one for timing.

I loved it.

It got me going, and kept me as pumped up as an official Independence Day inner tube. I watched devastation on a global scale, waved when the fireballs hit my neighborhood, and was caught up in mob hysteria when we stuck it to those pesky aliens.

Whoooo!.

They say it's a 50's style serial. They made movies like this in the 50's? Why'd they ever stop?

The basic plot, for those of you sealed in a sensory depravation chamber, is: aliens arrive, they blow up our cities, we fight back.

Sure it's been done before, but not in a while, and not like this.

The script is peppered with great lines, and I have every intention of stealing most of them for years to come.

The effects are incredible. They look so damned real, I had to touch myself when LA got hit to be sure I still existed.

No, I didn't touch myself THERE...

The three leads, Jeff Goldblum, Bill Pullman, and my man Will Smith lead us on a merry chase across the country, devastation following them everywhere. They are all really cool heroes with a capitol H.

Along the way we meet an assortment of characters, divulge some state secrets, and punch an alien in the head.

Oh yeah, the aliens. A cross between the creatures from The Abyss and Aliens, they actually reminded me most of a Cadbury Egg. Hard and crunchy on the outside, soft and cuddly on the inside. The movie doesn't quite do them justice, I mean come on, they're just trying to survive, they have feelings, they're really sorry about having to exterminate us.

Fuck 'em!

The action got me so riled up, I want to enlist and kick some serious space iguana butt!

It's the kind of story that's not afraid to take some risks, kill some characters, have unlikely heroes and warm moments. And of course you gotta cheer for the dog.

It's not really the most violent movie, although it does contain the elimination of most the earth. There's no real sex, it would just get in the way like sex always does. There's us against them, no matter who you are, you're a part of the us, and you can root for the destruction of them.

It's only problem, is I see no way for it to have a sequel. Unless the REAL mother ship shows up...

In all, Independence Day becomes the highest rated film of the summer, with 4 3/4 Babylons. I wanted to give it a 5, but it doesn't got a cute pig (Harvey Fiernstien doesn't count) or a Jedi Knight. Plus, a couple of times, it almost dragged for a couple minutes, and I found myself noticing.

But no matter, this is some serious "Nuke-the-aliens!" stuff. Do yourself a favor and see it.

Before it's too late.

They could be coming.

Editor's Note:

We're sorry that this review just wasn't as amusing as most, but The Self-Made Critic just really liked the movie, wouldn't shut up about it, and gave us this drivel to print. Personally, I'm looking forward to when the aliens do come, I'm sure we can talk them into taking The Self-Meda Critic. He's healthy, cooperative, and great to experiment on.

Please take him..

Did you like the movie as much as Mr. Self-Made did? Were you blown away by the effects? Then check out Rob Bredow's page. He's one of the dedicated men who worked thanklessly behind the scenes to create the visual images you gawked at!

It seems someone in the upper echelons in Hollywood mentioned my level-headed review of ID4 and pointed it out to Mr. Bredow, who then came to me to thank me for appreciating the majesty of his work.