HAND-HELD CAMERA OPENS ON SELF-MADE CRITIC, LOUNGING IN HIS CHAIR

Self-Made Critic: So, uhm, yeah. I went out, and I saw Waiting for Guffman.

Documentary Film Maker: Did you like it?

SMC: Oh yeah. It was great. I mean it wasn't in the best theater or nothing, painful seats, painful memories from seeing Kansas City in the same theater. Previews were boring, but I knew they would be, I mean in front of an art flick and all that. You never get quality previews in front of an art film. Why not? Who decided that the audience for Secrets and Lies doesn't get a preview for Anaconda or McHale's Navy?

DFM: It's a travesty.

SMC: Don't get me started! Anyway, the movie was a lot of fun. It was sorta like a sequel to This is Spinal Tap, except with a different director, different setting, mostly different actors and quite different characters and storylines.

DFM: It doesn't really sound like a sequel.

SMC: Are you the critic? Is it your place to judge? No, I don't think so. It was a sequel in spirit. It carried the freedom of that classic look into the world of rock and roll, only it looked at Community Theater. Instead of an English Hard Rock band touring America, we got a bunch of people from Blaine celebrating their town's 150th anniversary. Very moving. The key here is Christopher Guest.

DFM: The director.

SMC: And star. And as much of a writer as anyone. Plus he wrote a lot of the musical numbers with some Spinal Tap buddies, so the magic was there. My main problem with this movie, was that I had no idea how to review it. And that's hard, when you're a reviewer, to not know how to review something. I mean as you know, well no you don't know, but you would if you were a critic like me, so shall we say, as you would have know, had you been me, it's important to have an angle, a take on a certain film.

DFM: And here you had none.

SMC: I had a take. It was just boring, that's all. Lord knows I don't want to be dull. I wanted pizzazz! I wanted something which would celebrate the honesty and in-your-faceness that the movie gave me.

DFM: So you called me.

SMC: No, I put on my own play. Of course I called you! I thought maybe you could give me and my life, or at least my review, the same sort of wonder and witty dialogue you gave... whatever it is you did before you came here. But that's not important, what's important is that the movie was funny.

DFM: So you were satisfied?

SMC: Who is ever satisfied? I mean are you truly satisfied? I know I'm not. I won't be truly satisfied until I'm naked with Helen Hunt or 1991 Playboy Playmate of the Year Lisa Matthews. Or, actually, my new love, Renee O'Connor, who plays the adorable sidekick Gabrielle on Xena: Warrior Princess.

DFM: A good show.

SMC: A great show! Where was I? Am I satisfied? Hmm.. With the movie, sure, not the absolute greatest thing in the world, but a far cry better than a lot of what's out there. Also, I really enjoyed seeing this because it's sort of thought of as an Art Film, which basically means it couldn't very many theaters to carry it. But it's not like most Art Films which are slow character studies about various people who should really just get over it and get on with their lives. This one was a comedy, and it was silly, and if I get to feel superior for seeing one of the lesser main-stream movies, well then that makes me happy.

DFM: You earned you happiness.

SMC: Oh, now you're just trying to butter me up. Won't work, I'll still trash your next documentary. Anyway, do you know who's really funny in this movie? I mean besides Groundling Alumni Mike Hitchcock? Parker Posey and Eugene Levy. And, get this, Fred Willard. Very funny man. But watching this crowd of actors, I really expected Martin Mull or Joe Flaherty to show up. It was that kind of a movie.

DFM: Is it true that most of this movie was improved?

SMC: What do I look like, a fact-finding sub-committee? I don't know. I hear stories that it was something like that, but why ask me? You want to know? Ask Chris Guest!

DFM: Sorry, didn't mean to get you riled up.

SMC: I'm sorry. I take my job very seriously. I shouldn't have blown up like that. I'm a professional. Hold on, I need to do my mantra. If Chris Farley can get rich, then so can I. If Chris Farley can get rich, then so can I. If Chris Farley can get rich, then so can I.

DFM: Well thank you, Self-Made Critic for your time.

SMC: Glad I could help. I hope your documentary works out for you. Oh, before you leave, let me just say, I gave Waiting for Guffman 3 1/2 Babylons.

DFM: Done now?

SMC: Yeah. I'm done.

Editor's Note:

Don't ask.

I have no idea, and I stopped worrying about it years ago.

WAITING FOR GUFFMAN
Rated: R
Directed by: Christopher Guest.
Starring: Christopher Guest, Fred Willard, Catherine O'Hara, Eugene Levy and Parker Posey.