An Open Letter To Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin:

Boys, are you high?

Being a huge a fan of your work, from Universal Soldier to Stargate to ID4, I was naturally looking forward to your take on the biggest movie star of all time, Godzilla.

I bought the hype. I happily spouted your "Size Does Matter" across the seas, much to my own personal detriment. I told all that your Monster Monster Movie would eat up the summer, naming it the number one flick in my "Beat the Self-Made Critic Contest." I was a believer.

Reality is a harsh mistress.

Your movie sucked.

My friends, I have not lost faith in you. I feel that you may yet make another movie of quality. That Independence Day was not a fluke, but a sign of great things to come.

However, let me reiterate.

Godzilla sucked.

I mean it sucked in so many ways and on so many levels. I don't know where to begin.

But I'll try.

OK, which one of you is schtupping Maria Pitillo? Near as I can tell, a vivacious and hearty sexual appetite is the only possible talent that this so-called actress may have exhibited at the audition. I mean we were all laughing at her throughout the movie. The saddest moment in the film is when The 'Ziller doesn't eat her. Bummer! I'm thinking she had to look good to someone, maybe it was the lizard.

Moving on. For your male lead, you choose Jeff Goldblum. But I guess he read the script beforehand and turned you down, so you quickly cast Matthew Broderick in his place. And ended up with Ferris Bueller's Day Off Which He Spends Chasing an Overgrown Iguana. Kids, did you actually think we'd take him seriously? You were wrong.

Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer and Jean Reno were all good picks, and they preformed as well as circumstance allowed. Although I will join the chorus of millions who ask, "Just what the Hell was Jean Reno doing throughout this movie, anyway?" And why the problems with his coffee, don't they have Starbucks in New York?

Leaving the humans alone, allow me to shave your lizard, so to speak.

I don't care that it doesn't look like what everyone else thinks Godzilla should look like. It's your movie, it's your vision. I don't care that he doesn't do some of the things he's supposed to do, and that he does other things that he isn't supposed to do. Again, creatively, you go boys!

However, the effects were pretty darned weak. I mean did you lose your effects house after ID4? Boys, boys, boys, just about every other shot of the Big Bad Scaly Dude just shouted "Green Screen!"

Come on, I've seen better CGI on an episode of Barney.

Come to think of it, that's what this movie needed. Barney.

Devlin/Emmerich Sex Object: "Godzilla is tearing the city apart! What can we do?"

Goldblum Stand-in: "He just needs love! Somebody call Barney!"

ENTER BARNEY

Barney: "I Love You! You Love Me! We Love Godzilla!"

Godzilla: "Roar!"

THEY HUG - FADE OUT

Laugh if you want, but it's better dialogue than what you tossed up onto the screen. Which brings me to my next point:

Your Very Bad Script.

What's the matter, you boys tire of writing your movies so you hired some soap writers to fill in the blanks? Come on, this shouldn't be hard.

Godzilla. Stomps New York. For Two Hours.

Hell, it could've been a nature documentary for all we cared. A Love Story? A Career-minded Bimbo? A vague and confusing French Agent? No. No. No. Read my lips.

Godzilla. Stomps New York. For Two Hours.

This isn't rocket science! I swear, one more bad pun, and I'm climbing a clock tower somewhere near Centropolis HQ armed with an assault rifle and thirst for justice. I'm not even going to attack the directing, or give away the numerous plot-dildos. It's just not worth it. But I will attack one more thing...

Your Score. First of all, if I'm even mentioning the musical score to a film, it must be horrendously bad, because I never even notice that kind of stuff. But puh-lease.

Here comes Godzilla! He's stomping and killing and running through the crowded streets of New York! Cue Love Theme. Did you get a good deal on string instruments and feel compelled to use every last one? Sweeten it with strings! Sweeten it with strings! If your movie were any sweeter, it'd cause cancer.

For now, it only causes extreme boredom. Most of the people who weren't laughing in pain at how much they'd paid to see this disaster were asleep. Drooling. Dreaming of a better movie. Ishtar, Speed 2, anything.

In conclusion, let me just say:

Bad Lizard! Bad! Go to your room!

In my review, I intend to give your film a rating of 1/2 Babylons. This is on a scale of 1 to 5, where 5 is for any movie with a Jedi Knight or a cute pig, and 1 is the lowest a movie can get. Until now.

Bad Lizard! Bad!

Love, The Self-Made Critic

Special Note From The Critic:

Did you see this movie? Do you feel cheated? Do you want your money back?

If you'd like to write Centropolis Entertainment and request a full refund, send a 3 x 5 postcard to:

Centropolis Entertainment
2700 Colorado Ave.
3rd Floor
Santa Monica, California 90404

You should keep your request simple and to the point. I suggest "Hey! I lost 2 hours and 8 bucks on your film! The time is lost forever but gimme my money back!"

Together, we shall overcome.

Editor's Note:

Heeheehee. Heeheehee. Seems Godzilla may not be the huge money-maker Mr. Critic said it'd be. Which means it is going to be really easy to beat The Self-Made Critic in his Summer Preview Contest! If you haven't yet entered, you have until the end of the day, Wednesday the 27th. You could win some incredible prizes! And more importantly, you could beat the Critic!

It's the beating that I love.

Godzilla
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Roland Emmerich
Starring: Matthew Broderick, Jean Reno, Maria Pitillo, Hank Azaria, Harry Shearer, Godzilla and the back of your eyelids as you sleep through it.