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In order to better serve your movie-going needs, we need to ask you a few questions which will help us create a personalized review of the new Michael Douglas film, The Game.

We don't want to waste your time, we know you're a busy person, but you will come to find that the end result, the most incredible motion picture review you have ever experienced, will completely satisfy your every want.

Question 1:

Did you like the movie Se7en?

This is directed by the same lunatic who created that macabre piece of art, and some of his sensibilities show through. But he has mellowed, with no Gwenyth Paltrow to behead. (Be honest, as gruesome as that was, wasn't that just awesome! Or maybe I just like beheadings.)

Question 2:

Do you like prepositions?

Just answer the question.

Question 3:

Do you find Michael Douglas to be an extraordinary actor or a total schmuck?

See, he's in a lot of this movie, so if you don't like him, we'll have to emphasize all the bits he's not in. Like the opening credits.

Question 4:

Do clowns excite you?

This is relevant. Trust us.

Question 5:

Do you like to think?

See, The Game makes you think. it dares you to try to keep up as it dives up and down and all around the Mulberry Bush. If you enjoy a good think then we can expound upon the incredible intelligence of the script, which had us guessing right up to and a bit beyond the ending. If you don't like to think, we'll talk about Jell-O.

Question 6:

Just how paranoid are you?

Paranoia is all relative. In this film, the question of whether or not Michael is paranoid is paramount in importance. It's going to be a rainy day in LA before we're able to watch the evening news or take a cab again. If you are prone to attacks of paranoia, this movie will serve to heighten your favorite neurosis. If you simply know that people are watching you, you'll get a kick out of this one.

Question 7:

Who was the 18th President of the USA?

We have a test in Civics tomorrow and we haven't studied.

Question 5:

Didn't we already ask this question?

Question 8:

If you could be a Jefferson Airplane tune, what Jefferson Airplane tune would you be?

Would it be White Rabbit?

Question 5:

Why are you looking at us?

Question 10:

What happened to Sean Penn in this movie?

I mean he's billed as a lead, and he probably has all of 10 minutes of screen time. Odd. I think they've done something to him. We should warn Madonna! They may be coming after her next in an effort to cut Evita to a watchable length.

Thank you for taking the time to answer all 9 of our questions. Now place your hand over the screen so that we can listen to your heartbeat through your palm.

Again, thank you.

Now if you'll just send us your bank account information, we'll be all set and can go ahead with your personalized movie review. If you don't want to send us the information, we'll just get it ourselves and proceed normally. In the meantime, not to keep anyone waiting, please accept our judgment of 4 1/2 Babylons for this finely crafted, edge-of-your-seat thriller.

Editor's Note:

Jell-O is a registered trademark of someone or other.

Please don't send in your bank account information, after all, this was only a review.

And we can always get anything we need from our database anyway.

Look behind you.

The Game
Rated: R
Directed By: David Fincher
Starring: Michael Douglas, Sean Penn, Deborah Kara Unger and you.

Don't worry, it's only a review.