Just what is the 5th Element?

A higher state of being? A quasi-physical pseudo-reality-based creation? Fondue?

Who knows. And who cares. Not important. It's a movie, and the cause for a lot of neat-looking effects and joyous explosions.

I mean if they had wanted to make it easier, they could have made the movie about the 5th Food Group (Cheese Toast. Is it cheese? Is it toast?), or the 5th State of Matter (7-11 Slurpees). Or even the 5th Sense (touch or taste, depending on what hemisphere you're in).

But no, it's about elements. Deal with it.

And deal with it they did, and well. The movie is, obviously, The Fifth Element, starring Bruce Willis, Gary Oldman, a really hot red-headed bimbo named Milla and some blue chick.

Most all the critics have denounced this film as being incomprehensible. They're just trying to be sheik. This is the simplest of plots imaginable.

a) Must Save Universe.

b) This is the object we need to save the Universe.

c) This is where the object is.

d) Go get object, Save Universe.

Why is that difficult to get? Basically, these critics are all lazy and stupid, and want to blast apart a thoroughly enjoyable movie like it was an extended Barney video or something.

Like all great sci-fi films, this one LOOKS WEIRD. The director is some French guy (who knew foreigners could do sci-fi?) and so he got his French buddies to design it and you know how weird the French are. The only thing missing is a Jerry Lewis cameo, and it would have had "Made in Paris" stamped all over it.

Except they talk in English. Sort of.

The red-head babe starts talking in some odd and utterly incomprehensible language at first, kinda sounds like Esperanto. A bunch of cute little lizard people talk in lizard people grunts sometimes, but it's cute. They're cute. I bet they'd hate it if they knew I thought they were cute.

There are the much-needed kick-ass guns. There are some great kick-ass spaceships. Bruce, playing John McLaine (from the Die Hard movies) in Space, is the cabbie who has to save the world. He's Bruce, he's cool, end of subject. Gary Oldman is a rich guy using his power and money for evil. He's also got a weird limp or lisp or something. Not sure what, but it worked for me.

What I have a problem with is the continual portrayal of rich people as villains. Is there something wrong with obtaining and keeping tons of money? Lord I hope not, that is my main focus in life! These people should be honored and loved for their tremendous wealth. Come on, they won! In my movie, all the rich people are gonna be the good guys and the poor suckers without anything are all working for evil. But PC, of course.

So summer started with a bang, and I think this is a good sign for a summer of non-stop, leave-your-brain-at-home, blow-the-heck-out-of-everything movies. You got a problem with that? Shut up and wait for December, when all the boring brainiac flicks come out!

Me, I'm having me an extra helping of Testosterone!

All in all, The Fifth Element gets 4 Babylons. A much better start to this summer than last year's disappointing Twister (although 5th Element will never make nearly as much money as Twister did, there's no accounting for tastes).

Tie me to the chair, I liked it.

Editor's Note:

The "red-headed babe" is named Milla Jovovich. She's a sweet young woman who has a background in the highly respected field of modeling. She is not just a "total babe" for your visual amusement. She is a quality individual, and a sensible soul.

Unlike the SMC, dork.

THE FIFTH ELEMENT
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Luc Besson
Stars: Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Gary Oldman, Chris Tucker and a bunch of lizard-headed freaks