The new Star Wars opened today.

But I haven't seen it yet, so you'll just have to deal with a review of Entrapment instead.

Entrapment, if you don't know, is the Sean Connery ^Ö Catherine Zeta-Jones heist flick.

It's really bad.

Why is it bad? Gosh, there are so many reasons.

Here's the story, kinda. Catherine works for an insurance agency who is tired of having all of their product stolen by Sean Connery. So Catherine goes undercover to join Sean and then catch him in the act. Kinda. There's a lot of twists and turns. In fact, that's one of the problems. Some of the twists and turns make you say "Wow! I would have never expected that! In fact, if that's true, then what they did earlier makes no sense whatsoever!"

Although you might use fewer words.

How is Sean? Fine. He's Sean Connery, and Sean Connery is never anything other than totally cool. When I'm as old as he is, I hope I have half the sex-appeal he has. Heck, I'd take half of his sex-appeal right now.

How is Catherine? Awful. Just plain awful. Many of you may understand how difficult it is for me to say this. I thought she was absolutely wonderful and sexy and incredible and sexy in The Mask of Zorro. Everything she was in that movie, she is not in this one. I've seen better acting in a student film. She isn't even that cute in this film. In fact, in some scenes, she's downright dowdy. Which is hard to do.

But the main problem with this movie is the script. I mean Godzilla was a Pulitzer prize-winning effort compared to this hunk of lard. Things just don't make any scene. None. Zip. Nada. You've all seen the scene in the preview where Catherine sticks her butt in the air and slides on the ground to avoid the red security laser beams, right? (side note, why are security laser beams always red? Why not blue? Or Purple? Or maybe polka dot?) Well Catherine goes through this extensive ballet ritual to work her way through the red lines. But there are no lines on the ground, so why doesn't she just squirm like an inchworm all the way? Sure seems like it'd be more efficient than reenacting the latest Cirque du Soleil moves.

You see, this was an easy movie. Sean Connery. Catherine Zeta-Jones. High-tech gadgetry. People hanging hundreds of feet above the ground. Simple. But they found a way to muck it up, make it ridiculous. I mean yes, Sean's a hottie, but are we really supposed to believe that 22 year-old Catherine (or however young she is) is gonna fall in love with 86 year-old Sean? Maybe if they'd cast Anna Nicole Smith, but otherwise, forget it.

Guys, not every movie needs a love interest. Love interests are for chick films. I don't know a single chick who had any desire to see Entrapment. Therefore, scrap the love thing and give us more cool breaking and entering stuff!

But Self-Made, you say, Catherine's one sexy babe! We need to see her body! I agree, but there are other ways to get Catherine semi-naked. She could have to strip down in the midst of a tense battle. She could take a shower. She could do a striptease in an attempt to seduce someone. She could slip into a tight-fitting, skimpy outfit and do some stretching exercises. See? All kinds of way to get her shapely body in front of the camera without making our skin crawl at thought of Connery's geriatric hands all over her. You want Connery in a love scene, cast him with Meryl Streep or Ann-Margret or the chick from Driving Miss Daisy. I mean if he's man-handling Catherine, why stop there? Let's put him in a tense love story with Natalie Portman. In fact, I'd love to see that.

"You know Dear, I was the original James Bond."

"You're Roger Moore????!!!?!?!!"

Anyway. Enough. I'm giving Entrapment 1 7/8 Babylons. All of that is because Sean is still really cool. Just not a believable love interest for a twenty-something babe.

Editor's Note:

I'm shocked. Gone are the days when the SMC would give 5 Babylons to a Pauly Shore movie if there were 5 frames of an old lady's nipple. I bet you can't wait to see his Phantom Menace review - he'll probably decide that Han Solo was really a big wuss after all.

Entrapment
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Jon Amiel
Starring: Sean Connery, Catherine Zeta-Jones, Ving Rhames and cute, little red laser beams.