The following review was written while hunched over the keyboard under a heavy cloak with the lights out and the windows blackened.

Never can be too careful, people are watching.

OK, so I saw the movie Conspiracy Theory with Mel Gibson and Julia Roberts. My question is, how on earth did they get these two huge stars in a movie together? You know what I think? Well you know that Mel and director Richard Donner are just buddy-buddy so they came up with a plot to force Julia to do the movie in exchange for assurances that Donner wouldn't find a way to make Mary Reilly 2 and hold her to a contractual obligation to make it.

That's what I heard.

So anyway the film is OK. I mean it's a dramatic vehicle that falls into spoofisms from time to time to keep you off balance. I think the original script was written as a total comedy, but Mel can't do an out and out comedy for religious reasons so he used his clout to make it dramatic. But then the original writer saw this was happening to his script so he snuck in and convinced the actors to film some "B Roll Footage," you know, funny stuff. Then, he switched the film without anyone knowing until it was too late and there ya go!

Mel Gibson is great in this. I mean great, great, great. Perhaps a little too great, if you know what I mean. Julia Roberts is also quite good and very, very pretty. Again. perhaps too pretty, as if maybe she's been replaced by an android. You never know. Patrick Stewart takes a turn as the villain in this film, which is so against what we know of him that he HAS to have been replaced by a double. A double who can act.

OK, the story. Mel is this guy who believes in all these conspiracies. No one believes in him, of course. Like anyone ever believes us until it's too late. Naturally, one of his theories turns out to be real, and the bad guys start a-chasing.

Except that's not exactly the plot. I'm not gonna tell you more, because I don't want to spoil anything. But nothing is as it seems. Which is so true in real life. Don't you think?

Hold on, I think I hear someone outside my window. Shhh. Quiet! Quiet! Man, will someone tell the East Coast Newlyweds to keep it down, THEY'RE LISTENING!!!!

OK, they're gone. Anyway.

Did I like this movie? I can't say. I mean I could, but then I'm not sure and I don't want to mislead you anymore than have to. Got it?

Basically, Donner and company purposefully made a movie that would be hard to critique. Donner has it in for the critics, always has, ever since a guy in Iowa panned Lethal Weapon.

So, just between you and me, I'm gonna give Conspiracy Theory 3 1/2 Babylons. Or maybe not. Never can be sure.

You never read this review.

Editor's Note:

Will whoever gave The Self-Made Critic the double espresso please stop doing that?

Conspiracy Theory
Rated: R
Directed By: Richard Donner
Starring: Mel Gibson, Julia Roberts, Patrick Stewart and Elvis. Yes, I said Elvis. He's not dead, that's just what they want you to think.