What is left for an actor that just played a porn star with a 13-inch member?

I'mean how on Earth are you supposed to top that?

Answer: you go the other direction and play a hit-man who's totally whipped by his women.

The result is the action/comedy (with an emphasis on comedy) flick, The Big Hit. The actor, is Marky Mark himself, Mark Wahlberg.

When I saw the trailers for this movie, I thought to myself, "OK, this is a loser. Major skippage." But then the trailers started to pound into my subconscious. I heard that "Staying Alive" remake in my sleep.

And so I was hooked. I had to go, I had to partake. I went. I partook. You know what? This was a damn funny movie! See, it doesn't take itself seriously, it's silly, witty, and violent. Just about everything you need in a good flick.

Marky Mark is great in the role of the sweet and sensitive hit-man. He's so bugged out, he downs bottles of Maalox in one swallow. He just wants to be loved, is that so wrong? Not at all, Marky, not at all. I too know what it is to be misunderstood by those I care about. We are much alike, we two. Including the 13-inch penis. But that's another movie entirely.

Here's the story. Marky Mark is a hit-man. He works with other hit-men, including Lou Diamond Phillips. They all work for Star Trek: Deep Space Nine's Captain Sisko, Avery Brooks. Mark and his crew kidnap a girl on the side for some extra cash. Turns out the girl is Brooks' god-daughter. This pisses him off. There ya go.

But along the way, some really funny stuff happens. Elliot Gould shows up with a drinking problem, Christina Applegate wants to marry Marky for his money, a guy at a video store wants his tape back, and another hit-man discovers the joys of masturbation.

And I will never be able to marinate chicken in the same way again.

See, there's something for everyone!

Marky Mark aside, the performance of the movie belongs to Lou Diamond Phillips. He's great. No, really. He's wonderful. I'm serious. Oh, and Antonio Sabato Jr. is in the movie too. I hear the ladies think he's cute. Heck, if you do think he's cute, there's a locker room scene where you see everyone's butt. Antonio, Mark, Lou. Looks like they all work that baby out from time to time, we're talking some pretty solid butts.

Not that I'm interested in that sort of thing.

If I have one gripe, and I do, it's aimed at whoever put the catchy trailer together. See, what really got this film in my head from the trailer was that song. A hip-hop version of a Bee-Gees song is news, and worth the price of admission.

Except it's not in the film. Anywhere. Not during the film, not over the closing credits, not anywhere. I don't think it's even on the soundtrack. They just attached it to the trailer to get people to see the film.

Bastards!

Still, after seeing the film, the song is STILL in my head!

The horror, the horror.

To sum up, The Big Hit is a fun, yet violent, romp. It is first and foremost a comedy. But it is not for kids. Bags of bloody corpses, dead guys in elevators, hot tubs full of scantily clad women, depravity at every turn. Also, it takes a little bit to get going, but once it starts to frolic, it frolics at full speed.

Rock On!

The Big Hit gets 3 4/5 Babylons. It would have gotten more if they'd put the darned song in the movie.

Editor's Note:

The Offices of The Brunching Shuttlecocks has a gym, and a men's locker room.

The Self-Made Critic does not have a 13-inch Wand of Joy.

The Big Hit
Rated: R
Directed By: Kirk Wong
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Lou Diamond Phillips, Christina Applegate, Avery Brooks, Antonio Sabato Jr., China Chow, a couple of bags of bodies and an inquisitive dog.