Before we start, I shall give you a color-coded map so you shall not get lost. In the following conversation, I, the Self-Made Critic, will be speaking in THIS COLOR. Beavis will be speaking in THIS COLOR and Butthead will be speaking in THIS COLOR. Thank you.

12/22/96

"Hey! Hey Butthead!"

"Shut up, Beavis."

"Hey! Hey Butthead! We did a movie."

"A movie? Huh-huh. That's cool."

"Yeah, cool! Yeah! We did a movie."

"Huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh. We did a movie."

"Yeah, and, uhm, yeah! And we scored! "

"Huh-huh, we kicked ass."

"Yeah, well, no."

"No? Shut up Beavis, you butt-munch. We met chicks."

"Yeah, but, uhm, like. Our movie?"

"Yeah?"

"It, uhm.. sucked."

"It sucked?"

"Yeah, cause, like, we just did the same thing we do every show, and tried to stretch it into an 85 minute movie."

"Huh-huh-huh, that bites."

"Yeah, we should, like, stick to TV."

"TV rules."

"Yeah, TV rules! Yeah!"

"TV kicks ass. Huh-huh-huh."

"Yeah! Yeah!"

"Huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh. Uh-huh-huh-huh. Our movie sucks."

"Yeah! Sucks! Yeah!"

"Beavis, Butthead, hello."

"Uh-huh-huh-huh. Hey Beavis, look. It's the Self-Made Critic."

"What? Oh, Hi Mr. Critic."

"Hi Beavis. I saw your movie."

"Huh-huh-huh. Woah. He saw our movie Beavis. Huh-huh, that's cool."

"Yeah! Cool! Yeah! Hey Butthead! Hey Butthead!"

"Huh-huh-huh. What?"

"You know what's also cool? This Self-Made Critic Guy, he's like, totally a cartoon!"

"That's right Beavis, in order to properly review your movie, I had to become an animated character, just like yourself."

"Huh-huh-huh. He's got big ears."

"Yeah! Big ears! Yeah! Yeah!"

"My ears are... overly animated, yes. But let's discuss your movie guys-"

"Huh-huh-huh. Our movie sucked."

"Yeah! Butthead's right! It sucked! Yeah! Yeah!"

"I know. I had to sit through it. Let me ask you this guys, first off, I'm a fan, I watch your show a lot. Why did you guys make such a disappointing movie?"

"Uhm.... Uhm... Hey Butthead, why did we make such a disa... disa... what he said!"

"Shut up Beavis, I don't know. Huh-huh-huh."

"Stop me if I'm wrong here fellas, but it just felt like you guys did the same thing you always do, and it got old. Beavis, the first time you went into the Cornholio thing, it was funny. But the second and third time..."

"Are you threatening me?"

"No Beavis, I'm not threatening you. I just think it got old. Don't you guys do anything other than sit around and stare at each while laughing those heinous laughs?"

"Huh-huh-huh. You said anus. Huh-huh-huh."

"Yeah! Anus! He's cool, Butthead, cool!"

"Well, I'm glad you think so Beavis, but your flattery won't help my review of your movie. I have a real problem with shelling out 7 bucks, well 4, I saw a matinee, to watch you guys drag a 22 minute episode into an 85 minute movie. Especially a movie that was supposed to be for kids. I mean really, no kid should be taken to see your graphically disgusting movie. It's not a very mild mannered cartoon. Not that that's bad, I mean I like my adult cartoons as much as the next guy, but I think a lot of people think they could feel safe bringing their 5 year old to this show, and they shouldn't. They just shouldn't. Don't you think?"

"Uh-huh-huh-huh. He's got big ears. Huh-huh-huh."

"Yeah, big ears! Yeah! That's cool!"

"Well guys, I see I've really touched a nerve with you two. Can't say I didn't try. Congrats on the commercial success of your movie. That it opened at 20 million just tells you what kind of people the country is really made of. Of course I contributed, but only 4 bucks, I mean, I'm not lame or anything. Right? I'm not lame, right?"

"Uh-huh-huh-huh. This review sucks."

"Yeah! Butthead's right! This sucks! Change it!"

"I'm not changing anything guys. In fact, I'm giving your film an uninspired 2 Babylons. I did laugh a couple of times, but not nearly enough for my tastes. Sorry guys."

"2 Babylons? Hey Butthead, we got 2 Babylons. That's cool!"

"Shut Beavis, you dumb-ass. 2 Babylons suck."

"Oh. Heh. I knew that. Yeah!"

"So long guys. Catch you two later. I'd wish you well, but I have a feeling nothing but good things will ever happen to two pre-pubescent boys hung-up on TV. Except, of course, you will never, ever score with a chick. See ya."

"Uh-huh-huh-huh. Big ears is gone. Huh-huh-huh. He was cool."

"Yeah! Cool! Hey Butthead!"

"Yeah, Beavis?"

"Let's watch some videos on TV"

"Huh-huh-huh. TV rules."

Editor's Note:

Hi, Self-Made here, back from the land of the two-dimensional. I don't want all of you to think that I routinely become a hastily drawn cartoon scribble. I was only doing what I thought was necessary to bring to you a fine review, full of knowledge and power.

And I don't have big ears. Well, they're not that big.