Sex and the Single Space Object - Part 2.

Two months ago, we witnessed what might happen if one comet were to come crashing down on us and revive the surfing craze. It made a lot of money, so now Hollywood shows us what might happen if LOTS of little pieces of space- rock came a-hurtling down.

Get this, more explosions. Who'da thunk?

This time, instead of just a Deep Impact, we're given Armageddon. It even sounds more dangerous. I mean which scares you more?

"Oh my God! That comet's gonna have a Deep Impact on our Sunday picnic plans!"

or

"Oh my God! That asteroid is bringing Armageddon to us all! Hurry! Get Biblical!"

You be the judge.

The story is thus: a really big asteroid is going to destroy life on Earth as we know it. It will probably destroy life that we don't know too, but who cares about that? NASA, deciding that the 5-10 years a person takes to become an astronaut is a little long, hurries 8 oil-drillers into space in the longest 18 days on record. Hopefully, they'll be able to drill into the rock, drop a load of nuclear devastation, and blow the darned thing up. And the world will be a better place for all. Except for the French, but again, who cares about them?

Where's the sex? Well first off, a large object is going to penetrate the Earth's atmosphere and plunge into the depths of the planet. Total Freud. Secondly, you get a bunch of DRILLERS to stop it. They're drillers! They drill! Get it! Thirdly, the main character's name is Stamper! Stamper? I hardly know her!

I rest my case.

Bruce Willis is the star driller. He's got a babe of a daughter in Liv Tyler, who wants to ram it with young drill-stud Ben Affleck. Whole lotta drilling going on. And it's all done to the sweet sounds of Aerosmith, talked into doing the film, you would assume, because Liv Tyler's kinda related to the lead singer, Steven Tyler.

Which is a shame because I really wanted to hear Def Lepard.

"Are you Getting it?"

"Yes, Armageddon It!"

But anyway...

The film is pure fluff. It is fun if you turn your brain off in the same way that Con Air was fun. Makes no sense, it's very loud, it's shot like a music video. Your adrenaline pumps, you hope our boys kick the living daylights out of that pesky asteroid.

It has some plot problems. But most of them are solved when you realize that one of the side effects of having a huge asteroid head towards the planet is a time warp. See, the movie opens and there's 18 days until impact. A HECK OF A LOT happens in those 18 days. I want to give examples but I don't want to give anything away...

Oh screw it, it's not a vital point of the film anyway.

T-18 days. Bruce fires Ben Affleck. T-15 days. Ben has his own company up and running, complete with rig, home base, and a big sign. I'm sorry, but if you're fired, it usually takes more than 3 days to turn around and start up your own business. I mean unless you're selling Amway or something, but Ben's drilling for oil!

OK. Also, I just don't buy that the drill team turns into a bunch of astronauts in less than 2 weeks. NASA can't order a pen in two weeks, let alone train 8 men to go into space.

But that's what Hollywood's for, to make miracles happen.

The special effects are eye-popping. So wear safety goggles. The acting is...well...was anyone really paying attention to the acting? The script is run of the mill. It is loud. This is a slam-bang Bruckheimer film, directed by Michael Bay. These guys brought us Bad Boys and The Rock. Loud is sorta their motto. (Bruckheimer also brought us Con Air and Top Gun - he's REALLY into loud.)

Is this movie worth your time and money? Sure. Wanna escape? Watch Bruce save the world. Wanna get intellectual? Read a book. But make it a book about cosmic killers.

I mean as narrator Charlton Heston says in the opening of the film, 65 Million Years Ago, the dinosaurs were destroyed by a celestial strike. It happened before. It WILL happen again. The only question is when...

I gotta really get started on that whole world domination thing…

Armagedon gets 3 Babylons. Straight up. On the Rocks.

Editor's Note:

Public Interest in asteroid and comet detection has skyrocketed in the last two months thanks to Deep Impact and Armageddon. Once again, Hollywood raises the consciousness of the public. Now if Hollywood could only do a couple of films about the dangers of neglected movie review editors...

Armageddon
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Michael Bay
Starring: Bruce Willis. Ben Affleck. Liv Tyler. Billy Bob Thornton. Steve Buscemi. Other people. Rocks. Dead Frenchmen.