Oh waiter, there's an Anaconda in my river!

From the makers of absolutely nothing that comes to mind comes a frolicking monster adventure featuring the stars of Selena, Boyz N Da Hood, Mission: Impossible and The Waterdance. Join the intrepid documentary film makers as they risk life and limb to get a bunch of extras on film.

The film in question is Anaconda. It's about a snake. There ya go.

This is cheesy action at its best. The dialogue is cliche, some of the snake effects are silly and the directing is by the numbers.

But you know what, it was a lot of fun.

The script takes no prisoners, gobbling up our heroes left and right. There are plenty of thrills, chills and spills and you can bet that anyone who gets into the water is gonna have a close encounter of the slithery kind.

Basically, this movie tries to answer the question: How Many Documentary Film Makers does it take to fill a Snake? It pretty much starts out with a light snack and feeds throughout the movie with appetizers, some dessert and lots of main courses. It was very nice of the film makers to give us a shot of the snake digesting a meal, a real Discovery Channel moment.

What's really scary is that the snake doesn't just chomp on you. It coils around you, squeezing the life out of you, until your eyes pop out and you hear your own bones snapping. Then it swallows you whole. Eew.

The star of this film is the Anaconda. Come on, you knew that was going to happen. So the director gave the beast its own camera angles. The 'Conda Cam delivers tension, excitement and a tender look into the mind of an animatronic Killer. Pretty much any scene that began to drag was saved by efficient use of the 'Conda Cam.

"The river is quiet. I think we're safe for the moment."

"I agree. Nobody out here but us traveling documentary film makers."

CUE 'CONDA CAM

If you take this movie seriously, you will be disappointed. Heck, the opening "Love Theme From Anaconda" alone will drive you over the edge. But if you go in looking for a fun romp around a murky river, then get ready for a wild ride!

I give Anaconda 3 1/4 Babylons. It's basically a great B-movie with a nasty little serpent.

Well, a nasty big serpent.

Editor's Note:

If I ever become a documentary film maker, I'm doing pieces on wheat farmers in Kansas. I am not, repeat, NOT going anywhere near a dangerous river filled with slimy, creepy, slithering snakes.

It is NOT safe to go back into the water.

After watching this movie, on The Self-Made Critic's recommendation, I had flashbacks to when I was about 11 and my dogs killed a Garden Snake in my backyard and I brought it to school for the science class, only to discover that the darned thing wasn't dead, but was, in fact, crawling up the side of the bag.

Therapy has been very, very good to me.

ANACONDA
Rated: PG-13
Directed by: Luis Llosa
Starring: Ice Cube, Jennifer Lopez, Jon Voight, Eric Stoltz and a really big Snake.