Finally, someone got it right.

Forget all the learning crap and social activities and what not, high school is all about trying to get laid.

The brilliant film that finally stopped pussy-footing around and told it like it is stars no one you know, is directed and written by no one you know and is called American Pie.

It's damn funny.

Imagine if John Hughes was a sick, perverted sex fiend, Pretty in Pink included a scene of Molly Ringwald diddling herself in study hall and 16 Candles featured Anthony Michael Hall having relations with a French horn. That's kinda what it's like.

Here's the story. 4 boys make a pact to have sex before they graduate from high school in three weeks.

It's so true to life, it's practically a documentary.

What makes this film more than a simple raunch-fest is the script. It's well written. You actually care about these four boys and their libidos. You're rooting for them, because if these kids can "bump the Blarney Stone," then there's hope for us all.

OK, so just how nasty is this film?

Well, there's no Hair-Gel. But in addition to the now famous pastry molestation, there are a number of "Oh my God, I can't believe they did that" moments involving such memorable props as porn mags, bad TV reception and ingested man chowder. And finally, someone shows just how wonderful the internet can be for a growing boy.

Everyone is good in this film. Some are really good. But as you might expect, it's the professionals that truly shine. Old Man Eugene Levy shines as the father of the masturbatorily-challenged boy. Just watching him raise his eyebrows and say "Hey big boy" was enough to put me in stitches.

Also deserving praise is Alyson Hannigan (Buffy the Vampire Slayer's Willow) as the Band Girl. She gets some of the biggest laughs in the movie, and they are well deserved. Makes me want to go to band camp.

But the strength in this film lies in the way it tells it like it is. High School boys have one thing and one thing only on their minds. Getting laid. They're not thinking about college, unless it's about all the chicks that are in college, waiting to have sex with them. They're not thinking about sports, unless it's about how doing well in sports will impress the chicks, and help them get laid. They're not thinking about starving children in Africa unless...nevermind.

See, it's all about sex. And American Pie is all about sex. It's a perfect match. However, not to be a total cretin, the female characters in this movie have a lot going on as well, and, as tends to be the case in real life, they are ultimately the ones in control of the situation.

As I said, this movie could almost be a documentary.

So, if you want to go laugh until questionable liquids fly out your nose, go see American Pie. But if you're afraid of nasty, nasty sex jokes, there's really not much out this summer that you can see, so you should just go ahead and see this film anyway.

I'm giving American Pie 4 2/5 Babylons. It is a thoroughly satisfying experience.

Editor's Note:

Somebody PLEASE have sex with the SMC! PLEASE! I need some legitimate reviews here, and as long as he's still fixated on getting laid, I'll never become the legitimate editor I'm striving to become.

American Pie
Rated: R
Directed By: Paul Weitz
Starring: Jason Biggs, Alyson Hannigan, Chris Klein, Natasha Lyonne, Thomas Ian Nicholas, Tara Reid, Shannon Elizabeth, Mena Suvari, Eddie Kaye Thomas, the comparatively geriatric Eugene Levy and various Sara Lee products.