They faced each other across the screen like two spur-wearing gunslingers, a steely look in their eyes.
"This picture ain't big enough fer the both of us."
They counted off, flexed their fingers, grabbed their six-shooters and fired.
And we're left with The Mexican.
Two icons of American cinema, Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts play enthusiastic lovers torn apart by madcap mishap after madcap mishap. They make a great couple, even owing to the fact that Julia Roberts is about three feet taller than Brad Pitt, and this magic blend of Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts is on screen together for all of 45 seconds or so.
When our story begins, Brad Pitt tells Julia Roberts that he has to go to Mexico to pick up a gun. Julia Roberts tells him that she's leaving him and going to Vegas to pick up men. And so the each go to their particular desert locale and make their own movie. Brad Pitt makes a madcap mishap adventure in Mexico, and Julia Roberts makes a buddy-buddy road movie with everyone's favorite mobster, James Gandolfini.
Truth be told, both of these individual movies are slightly amusing. But this is not what we were promised. Brad Pitt shares more screen time with a football-loving dog than he does with Julia Roberts. And Julia Roberts has more emotional moments with a pair of handcuffs than she does with Brad Pitt. You'd almost get a better feel of these two mega stars together if you watched Se7en and Pretty Woman back to back.
There is also another big problem with the movie: It doesn't make any sense. The trick ending completely makes the rest of the movie moot. You can't help but walk out of the theater and say "Well gosh, if that was true all along, then why the heck did all this other stuff happen?" A classic case of a director and/or screenwriter trying to be clever. Give it up- you're not clever, and if you persist in attempting to be clever, we will have you taken outside and flogged.
For all that, this movie is not a total loss. It is filled with amusing moments. This movie would make a great series of trailers. But when you string all the trailers together to make a movie out of them, something is simply missing. Heart. Soul. Scenes with both Brad Pitt and Julia Roberts.
What it isn't missing is blood. This movie is rated R for a reason and it's not scantily-clad women dancing in a pool of chocolate syrup. But then, the director's name is Gore, so it's not like we weren't warned or anything.
So do you need to see this movie? Will you fall down dead if you miss this opportunity to see this cinematic marvel? Does the fate of the world hang in the balance?
Yes.
Just kidding.
Both Julia Roberts' movie and Brad Pitt's movie are amusing, if somewhat scattered. Julia Roberts' movie gets 3 1/2 Babylons, and Brad Pitt's movie gets 3 1/4 Babylons. When you put them together and divide by two, you get 3 3/8 Babylons for the whole kit and caboodle.
The SMC has got a huge crush on Julia Roberts, which is why this movie was reviewed as highly as it was. I told you about the time I saw him at the video store renting the double feature of Firehouse and Stepmom, right?
the Mexican
Rated: R
Directed By: Gore Verbinski
Starring: Brad Pitt, Julia Roberts, James Gandolfini, Bob Balaban and the
lovely country of Mexico. Come, visit and enjoy the spirit and wonder of the
magical world that is Mexico. Ask your travel agent for details.