I sharpened my +2 Pencil of Judgment, pulled out my Notepad of Wisdom (which gives my reviews a +3 clarity but often turns my fingers blue), shed my Cloak of Protection and settled comfortably in the Norrimbus Chair of Viewing to watch the newly released flick, Dungeons and Dragons.
I needed a Bag of Holding to contain all the vomit induced by this nauseating affront to motion pictures.
To say that Dungeons and Dragons is a bad movie does not begin to describe the amount of jaw-clenching, spasm-inducing pain a moviegoer must endure during even the opening prologue.
The story as it wishes it could be told: The empire is divided between Mages and commoners. The hot, new Empress with the bad accent wants to heal the kingdom and make everyone equal. Jeremy Irons doesn't like that idea, it gives him convulsions and makes him shout out every other word for no apparent reason, so he wants to get a magical rod to control red dragons and fight a war with Empress Don't-Speak-Just-Look-Pretty-in-Your-Chain-Mail, who has a rod which lets her control gold dragons. Two lowly thieves, a lowly dwarf and a lowly love interest set out in search of this magical rod.
Hilarity ensues.
To be honest, the plot makes as much sense as the rules involving the consumption of Iron Rations. I have no idea why they made a D&D movie with such a lofty "let's save the little people" plot. Most D&D games I can remember playing involved going into the cave, kicking the living crap out of a few kobolds, and coming out with booty. The loftiest goal we ever had was to keep from puking up our sour cream and onion ruffles.
The evil that is this movie has its roots in the worst script this side of a Scroll of Felching. I've seen infomercials more interesting and coherent than this piece of dung.
First rule of script writing - lay off the exposition:
"We must get the Rod of Savrille, which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"
"But where will we find the Rod of Savrille, which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom?"
"We must find the girl who is the apprentice to the mage in the tower - she knows where we can find the Rod of Savrille which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"
"But the girl who is the apprentice to the mage in the tower has disappeared. And with her, the knowledge of the whereabouts of the Rod of Savrille which will allow us to control Red Dragons and therefore control the kingdom!"
Second rule of script writing - people tend to sound stupid when they don't use contractions:
"We can not hold out any longer! I do not think that the foes that we are fighting will be able to be defeated! We should not wait for their attack!"
Third rule of script writing - lay off the unpronounceable names:
"Empress Savina of The Empire of Izmer, the Mage Profion is after the Rod of Savrille, and he will have his henchman Damodar search the deadly maze of the Thieves Guild at Antius to find it!"
The movie is set in a fantasy world that is entirely cgi created. And they spent a lot of money on building this world inside the computer, so they sure as hell are gonna make sure to show you EVERY INCH of their little cgi world.
PAN ALONG EAST SIDE OF EMPRESS' TOWER
Empress: I am worried about getting the Rod of Savrille which will allow me to control red dragons.
PAN DOWN WEST SIDE OF TOWER, ACROSS RIVER OF FIRE TO BRIDGE
Thief: We should rob the magic school! It will be great!
PAN ACOSS RIVER OF FIRE UP THE TOWER OF THE MAGIC SCHOOL
Mage: This scroll will tell us where to find the Rod of Savrille which controls red dragons!
PAN DOWN SIDE OF TOWER OF MAGIC SCHOOL AND UP EAST SIDE OF EMPRESS' TOWER
Empress: I could use a bath.
You get the idea.
But far be it for me to imply that the script is the only problem in this tub of putrescence. No one in this movie can act. Even actors who have shown the ability to act in the past come off as convincing as Schwarzenegger in a dress. Jeremy Irons is the bad guy. He's evil because he grimaces and snarls a lot. Bruce Payne is his transsexual henchman in lipstick. He's evil because he spits out his words like he's in some kind of stop motion experiment. Marlon Wayans is a good guy. He's good because he flitters about like hyena juiced up on caffeine. There's the good chick lollipop who's one of the good guys because she gasps a lot in surprise.
I could go on, but this review has to end sometime.
Basically, any movie is in bad straits when everyone in the audience is disappointed that a Wayans brother has died.
The director spent ten years of his life getting this movie made, he couldn't have taken another week or so to get a decent script? Hell, this was Dungeons and Dragons, any thirteen year-old geek could have written him something more exciting by playing the damn game and writing down what happened!
When you spend ten years of your life on a movie, you want to come out with Gandhi, Spartacus or Gone With the Wind. Ten years and all you have to show for it is a movie that makes Krull look like an academy award winner means you suck, and you need to go pump gas for a living.
Dungeons and Dragons gets 1/2 of a Babylon, saved from a score of zero by some cool cgi dragons at the end.
I think reviews like this are why E-Weekly gave the SMC got an "A". Well done.
Dungeons And Dragons
Rated: PG-13
Directed By: Courtney Solomon
Starring: A bunch of actors whom I won't even bother to name in the interest of
saving their careers.