In November of 2000, The Self-Made Critic wandered into a movie theater to watch Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2.
A day later, he was still wondering why. But here are his notes.
Damn, this theater is empty. I haven't been to a theater this empty since Battlefield Earth. That's not a good sign.
You know, just because a movie makes a lot of money doesn't mean it needs a sequel. E.T. made a lot of money, but I don't see a huge swell of desire for E.T. 2. Same with Titanic, though Lord knows not for lack of trying.
"OK, Leo didn't die, he was rescued by another life boat, and Jack and Rose meet twenty-five years later on the Hindenburg."
You know, the previews are much more mainstream this time as opposed to in front of Blair Witch One.
OK. I get it. The first movie was released, and this movie is about people who were affected by the first movie. This could get old real quick.
A pregnant chick, a witch, a nerd, a goth and a former mental patient go hiking in the woods. It's as if the entire pitch idea was a bad bar joke.
The kids are going to spend a night in the haunted woods. I thought they all saw the first movie, are they just stupid?
OK, another 'hip' reference to Blair Witch One. It's officially old.
Drinking and Smoking. That's a good thing to do in any horror movie. Now all we need is naked co-eds and a masked stalker we're all set.
Owls are not scary.
That's it? They spent the night, they woke up with their equipment ruined and now they're going home?
Oh, I get it, now we spend the rest of the movie watching them watch videotape. That is almost as exciting as reading the phone book.
OK, now we just need the masked stalker.
I said, owls are NOT scary.
I'm looking around at the audience...nope. This isn't making sense to anyone.
Isn't this movie called Book of Shadows? What book? What shadow? Should have called it Camcorder of Naked People.
The first time they showed us that disemboweling shot, it was mildly disturbing, the fifth time it's just obnoxious.
You know, I'll bet that the fact that this guy's a former mental patient is supposed to be important, but damned if I have any idea why. He sure can drool, though.
Where is she? Where is she? What do you think folks, she's dead! Get a clue!
Nope, not scared yet.
You know what this movie needs? Jackie Chan.
I've got a new title for this flick. 1001 Ways to Ruin a Franchise.
That's it? It's over? Did I miss something? Like the entire movie?
OK, Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2 gets 1 Babylon. And that's entirely because of the naked co-eds. Other than that, it's pretty much an entire waste.
He talks the talk, but he's really just a big sissy. Even in a bad movie like this he cried out for Mommy at least twice.
Book of Shadows: Blair Witch 2
Directed By: Joe Berlinger
Starring: The Witch, The Goth, The Nerd, The Pregnant Chick and The Mental Patient. And The Owl. Can't forget The Owl.