A Second Chance
There was a time when life had no purpose, no meaning; when I wandered
through my days miserable with doubt, fear, insecurity. People were cruel,
life was unfair, and the Sun was doomed to expand into a red giant, burning
Earth to a cinder and evaporating its oceans in 5.5 billion years. Why
But no more. For the scientific community has now announced that the
total destruction of the Earth will take place not in 5.5 billion years,
but in 5.7 billion years.
Suddenly, life has meaning.
This 200,000,000-year reprieve has given me a new purpose in life, has
given us all a second chance. As soon as I learned of this fantastic
news, I began to jot down a few things I now want to do with my
newly-enriched life after this brush with death.
1) I think I should learn French. Turns out the frogs are gonna be
here a little longer than I had at first thought, and I should probably
learn to communicate with them.
2) I'm gonna put off that trip to Grandma's. With an extra
200,000,000 years, she's probably not going anywhere right away, and
there's so many other important things to do and see.
3) I'm gonna re-label my time capsule. Instead of "Do Not
Open For 5. Billions Years" I'm gonna write "Do Not Open For
5.2 Billion Years." 200,000,000 years is a long time,and if you think
a Rubik's Cube will be neat in the year 5,400,002,002, just imagine
what they'll think in 5,600,002,002!
4) I'm gonna finally try to watch Das Boot. It's a long
movie, but it's supposed to be good, and it looks like time isn't
something I need to be miserly about.
5) I should look into cryogenic freezing. Suddenly, it just seems
like a viable option.
6) I think I'll stop supporting NASA and other space agencies. I
don't feel the same sense of urgency to get into space anymore.
7) I'm gonna call Brad Weber from grade school and apologize
for teasing him about his lisp. 5.7 billion years is too long to hold a
8) I need to dig out my plans for world domination. I had set them
aside because all my calculations suggested that my plan would need at
least 5.6 billion years to work. Who knew?