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There was a time when life had no purpose, no meaning; when I wandered through my days miserable with doubt, fear, insecurity. People were cruel, life was unfair, and the Sun was doomed to expand into a red giant, burning the Earth to a cinder and evaporating its oceans in 5.5 billion years. Why bother living? But no more. For the scientific community has now announced that the total destruction of the Earth will take place not in 5.5 billion years, but in 5.7 billion years. Suddenly, life has meaning. This 200,000,000-year reprieve has given me a new purpose in life, has given us all a second chance. As soon as I learned of this fantastic news, I began to jot down a few things I now want to do with my newly-enriched life after this brush with death. 1) I think I should learn French. Turns out the frogs are gonna be here a little longer than I had at first thought, and I should probably learn to communicate with them. 2) I'm gonna put off that trip to Grandma's. With an extra 200,000,000 years, she's probably not going anywhere right away, and there's so many other important things to do and see. 3) I'm gonna re-label my time capsule. Instead of "Do Not Open For 5. Billions Years" I'm gonna write "Do Not Open For 5.2 Billion Years." 200,000,000 years is a long time,and if you think a Rubik's Cube will be neat in the year 5,400,002,002, just imagine what they'll think in 5,600,002,002! 4) I'm gonna finally try to watch Das Boot. It's a long movie, but it's supposed to be good, and it looks like time isn't something I need to be miserly about. 5) I should look into cryogenic freezing. Suddenly, it just seems like a viable option. 6) I think I'll stop supporting NASA and other space agencies. I don't feel the same sense of urgency to get into space anymore. 7) I'm gonna call Brad Weber from grade school and apologize for teasing him about his lisp. 5.7 billion years is too long to hold a grudge. 8) I need to dig out my plans for world domination. I had set them aside because all my calculations suggested that my plan would need at least 5.6 billion years to work. Who knew? |
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