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Simple Things You Can Do To Save The Earth From An Asteroid

Well, we've done it again. Once again, a huge Earth-smashing asteroid hurtling towards the planet has been convinced to take an off-ramp on the devastation-superhighway. Just days after Asteroid 2000BF19 was discovered racing towards a date of Earthly extinction in 2022, the course was rechecked and it turns out that 2000BF19 will miss us by 3.5 Million miles.

Next time we might not be so lucky. Sooner or later will come the announcement that "After reviewing new data from scientists around the world, we have determined that the orbiting rock will, in fact, nail Earth head-on, landing just outside Sunnyvale, California. We're all going to die."

So it's time to get busy!

Here are some very sound and sincere plans that we, as a united world, should get into the planning stages to prepare us for just such an emergency.

Project: Superhero

Only a superhero can stop the asteroid and save Earth. So we'd better start growing one! While we can't sit around with our fingers crossed hoping for a wayward son of Krypton to happen upon the planet, we can certainly do something about getting ourselves a real-life radioactive superhero. Let's start incubating our infants in nuclear reactors and see if any of 'em grow up with some superpowers.

Pluses: Hello? Franchise rights anyone? You think the Batman movies made some dough, wait'll you see the receipts from these flicks!

Minuses: For every Super Atomic Man we produce, we'll probably get five hundred freaks with webbed toes.

Project: Mars Magnet

Many asteroids have loads and loads of metal ore in them. We build a really big magnet and set it on Mars in hopes that the asteroid will be pulled away from it's Earth-trajectory and go smashing into Mars instead.

Pluses: Getting rid of Mars means there's only seven planets left to kill before Earth reigns supreme.

Minuses: Strong magnetic field emanating from Mars makes all television sets run nothing but The Food Network 24-7.

Project: Asteroid-Aid

World coming to an end? Time to rock! Put together an all-star line up to perform a huge three-day concert to raise money for stopping the asteroid.

Pluses: Great chance to catch long-awaited REO Speedwagon reunion.

Minuses: Truth told, a big rock concert isn't really gonna stop a killer asteroid.

Project: Mark McGwire

Big ball of rock heading for Earth? Let's get America's biggest slugger, Mark McGwire out there with a huge bat to meet it. I figure we put Mark back on Andro to pump him up a bit, then send him out there to take his hacks at the biggest baseball he'll ever see.

Pluses: Baseball goes from America's game to Earth's game. I mean it's not like anyone's gonna save the planet playing cricket.

Minuses: If successful, next season McGwire will negotiate a salary so big we'll have to sell Louisiana back to the French to pay it.

Project: David Copperfield

Master Magician David Copperfield has won international acclaim with his incredible power to make such things as train cars and The Statue of Liberty disappear. On a nationally televised special, David stands atop the Great Pyramid and, as zero hour approaches, simply magics the asteroid away.

Pluses: Advertising revenue from "David Copperfield Saves the World" feeds the world's hungry for three years. Claudia Schiffer probably makes an appearance.

Minuses: Unknown if David can work under pressure. I mean it's not like he was under any great time crunch to get rid of the Statue of Liberty.

Project: Jumping China

We may not be able to stop the oncoming asteroid, but we can make sure that when it arrives, we aren't here to greet it. Scientists have long theorized that, due to the law of gravity and what not, if 1 billion theoretical Chinese citizens jumped into the air at the same time, the resulting pull of gravity would shift the Earth out of it's orbit. Sounds good to me. Let's get those folks jumping!

Pluses: Repeated use of this project would quickly get 1 billion people in great shape!

Minuses: The noise. "What's that racket!" "Why it's those damn Chinese folk, jumping up and down to save the world. Again." "Well can't they keep it down? Hee-Haw's on!"

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