Simple Things You Can Do To Save The Earth From An Asteroid
Well, we've done it again. Once again, a huge Earth-smashing asteroid
hurtling towards the planet has been convinced to take an off-ramp on the
devastation-superhighway. Just days after Asteroid 2000BF19 was discovered
racing towards a date of Earthly extinction in 2022, the course was rechecked
and it turns out that 2000BF19 will miss us by 3.5 Million miles.
Next time we might not be so lucky. Sooner or later will come the
announcement that "After reviewing new data from scientists around the world,
we have determined that the orbiting rock will, in fact, nail Earth head-on,
landing just outside Sunnyvale, California. We're all going to die."
So it's time to get busy!
Here are some very sound and sincere plans that we, as a united world, should
get into the planning stages to prepare us for just such an emergency.
Only a superhero can stop the asteroid and save Earth. So we'd better start
growing one! While we can't sit around with our fingers crossed hoping for a
wayward son of Krypton to happen upon the planet, we can certainly do
something about getting ourselves a real-life radioactive superhero. Let's
start incubating our infants in nuclear reactors and see if any of 'em grow
up with some superpowers.
Pluses: Hello? Franchise rights anyone? You think the Batman movies made
some dough, wait'll you see the receipts from these flicks!
Minuses: For every Super Atomic Man we produce, we'll probably get five
hundred freaks with webbed toes.
Project: Mars Magnet
Many asteroids have loads and loads of metal ore in them. We build a
really big magnet and set it on Mars in hopes that the asteroid will be
pulled away from it's Earth-trajectory and go smashing into Mars instead.
Pluses: Getting rid of Mars means there's only seven planets left to kill
before Earth reigns supreme.
Minuses: Strong magnetic field emanating from Mars makes all television sets
run nothing but The Food Network 24-7.
World coming to an end? Time to rock! Put together an all-star line up to
perform a huge three-day concert to raise money for stopping the asteroid.
Pluses: Great chance to catch long-awaited REO Speedwagon reunion.
Minuses: Truth told, a big rock concert isn't really gonna stop a killer
Project: Mark McGwire
Big ball of rock heading for Earth? Let's get America's biggest slugger,
Mark McGwire out there with a huge bat to meet it. I figure we put Mark back
on Andro to pump him up a bit, then send him out there to take his hacks at
the biggest baseball he'll ever see.
Pluses: Baseball goes from America's game to Earth's game. I mean it's not
like anyone's gonna save the planet playing cricket.
Minuses: If successful, next season McGwire will negotiate a salary so
big we'll have to sell Louisiana back to the French to pay it.
Project: David Copperfield
Master Magician David Copperfield has won international acclaim with his
incredible power to make such things as train cars and The Statue of Liberty
disappear. On a nationally televised special, David stands atop the Great
Pyramid and, as zero hour approaches, simply magics the asteroid away.
Pluses: Advertising revenue from "David Copperfield Saves the World" feeds
the world's hungry for three years. Claudia Schiffer probably makes an
Minuses: Unknown if David can work under pressure. I mean it's not like he
was under any great time crunch to get rid of the Statue of Liberty.
Project: Jumping China
We may not be able to stop the oncoming asteroid, but we can make sure that
when it arrives, we aren't here to greet it. Scientists have long theorized
that, due to the law of gravity and what not, if 1 billion theoretical
Chinese citizens jumped into the air at the same time, the resulting pull of
gravity would shift the Earth out of it's orbit. Sounds good to me. Let's
get those folks jumping!
Pluses: Repeated use of this project would quickly get 1 billion people in
Minuses: The noise. "What's that racket!" "Why it's those damn Chinese
folk, jumping up and down to save the world. Again." "Well can't they keep
it down? Hee-Haw's on!"