by Bob Neilsen

The rising tide of Santa abuse has reached a level that is no longer tolerable. Not only has the once pristine and wholesome Santa image become nearly unrecognizable amid the trappings of modern technological society, but what was once a career path which attracted only the best of the best has become a haven for a bunch of perpetually out-of-work societal dregs.

To facilitate the rapid recovery of the Santa image around the world, the Santa Advisory Network Trade Association has formed the Santa Acceptable Traditions In Review Everywhere committee. The initial work of this committee has been the creation of the following list of rules for the behavior for all Santas everywhere.

A Santa must Never:

1. Refer to children as "those smelly little piddlers".
2. Promise to "see what Santa can do" in response to any child's request for an adult sexual toy.
3. Beat, flog, abuse or embarrass any member of the reindeer family.
4. Engage in any relationship other than a professional one with any elf or small person pretending to be an elf.
5. Mix corn flakes with sour cream.
6. Be seen to enter any bar, saloon, pub, social club or topless car wash while wearing the Santa uniform.
7. Appear on the Jerry Springer show.

1. Maintain the Santa uniform in tippy-top condition at all times.
2. Promote respect for all law enforcement, scouting organizations and the NRA.
3. Maintain a jolly attitude while in public view, no matter what personal tragedies, distractions, or natural distasters may be taking place.
4. Wear socks that match.
5. Apply rouge judiciously to maintain that cheery, red-cheeked look.
6. Treat the little beggars like they weren't really a bunch of smelly little piddlers.