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Rejected Letters to Penthouse

Dear Penthouse Letters,

I never thought it could happen to me, but boy was I wrong. I met this woman at the church picnic and she was very attractive. Father Mylar told me her name was Carol. All the men who were unmarried certainly noticed how attractive she was, so I figured I had to make my move. Seven months later we were married, and we had relations. Wow! It really can happen to anyone!

Married and Joyful, Hartford, CN

Dear Penthouse Letters,

So I'm in this bar, ok? And there's this totally, totally hot babe, ok? And like, I've had a few beers so I'm all bold, ok? So I order another beer and walk over to her, right? Well turns out she's been downing Vodka shots for the last hour, totally pissed off about some guy. So I figure I'm in there, totally! I go over all smooth and introduce myself and she, like, totally digs me! Orders a couple more Vodka shots and we clink glasses and down them. Next thing I know, four or five more shots later, she's like, "Let's get out of here." So we book, ok? We get a taxi and I'm checking her out and she's totally hot, ok? Legs, breasts, all that stuff. Really hot, ok? I mean really hot. Taxi lets us off at her place, and she invites me up, right? Score! So I'm in the apartment, beer in hand, she's acting all sexy-like. It's hot! My head's spinning, she's totally hot, everything's hot, ok? Next thing I know, it's, like, seven in the morning and there's a note pinned to my jacket asking me to lock the door when I leave. I'm still dressed and really have no idea what, if anything happened.

How cool is that!

Mr. Hot, Portland, OR

Dear Penthouse Letters,

I was home alone, flipping channels, when for some unknown reason, I began to watch Martha Stewart. And she's telling me how to make spice tins out of an orange rind and I start noticing how sexy she is. So she's there on the screen forcing those orange rinds onto pre-sized bottles, you know, to get the proper shape for the tin, and I'm getting all turned on! So I begin t touch myself as Martha bakes the rinds in the oven for 3 to 4 hours, until they're nice and hard. And sure enough, I'm all nice and hard. I start to think about what Martha would do in a situation like this, so I grab an old T-shirt or dust rag, you probably have them lying about the house, and pleasure myself right there in front of the TV, no mess at all!! Martha would totally be proud. Well, needless to say it was one of the most intense sexual experiences of my life! Just incredible.

Horny for Martha, Chicago, IL

Dear Penthouse Letters,

My friend and I walked into a total lesbian bar the other night. We had no idea, but when we opened the door, there were all these scalding hot hotties. And they were all over each other! Man, I began to throb, let me tell you! So my friend turns to me and says "I bet these chicks just need a real man. They'd probably be all over us if we let them." He's a pretty smart guy, so I figured he was probably right. So I walk into the middle of the bar, get the attention of every hottie in the room (not difficult, it was pretty obvious they were into me, just like my friend said they'd be) and said "Hey girls! I know you guys think you're dykes and all, but I bet you'd love to have a real man! Who's up for it?"

Two months later, when I got out of traction, my friend told me he's pretty sure one or two of them really did seem interested in hitting on me, as opposed to just hitting me in the face. Too bad the other 40 or 50 dykes were so uppity about it. I might have had a threesome!!!

Almost Fully Healed, Bismark, ND

Dear Penthouse Letters,

I never thought it could happen to me.

I was in my car, driving down the road towards the stop light, when it suddenly turned green right in front of me and I didn't have to stop or even slow down! Then, as I approached the next light, it too turned green!

I swear I'm not making this up!

All Greens, New York, NY

Dear Penthouse Letters,

Enclosed, please find $59.99. I wish to continue subscribing to your magazine. If you need more money, just let me know. I've got more.

Waiting for my Subscription, Los Angeles, CA

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