Compasses
A compass, when you think about it, is essentially a very primitive Spirograph. A very primitive, very very boring Spirograph. And Spirographs themselves aren't exactly a blowjob in Times Square either. I spent many hours as a kid Spirographing before I realized with depressing horror that Spirographs are essentially flat Slinkies that don't move. But this isn't about me! This is about compasses, which aren't really that interesting outside of geometry class, unless you're really particular about the quality of the peace signs and/or anarchy symbols you draw in your notebook. C-

Pencil Sharpeners
I don't see why people are so worried about asbestos in schools when there is the accumulated detrius of thousands of pencil sharpenings staining every nook, cranny, and carved initial in every desk in every school in every country where standardized tests are given. Inhaling all that has got to give you cysts or something. Anyhow, I'd like pencil sharpeners better if there were more quality control ensuring that you don't end up with a wooden peak with some graphite on its north face. C

Protractors
Possibly the least exciting school supply on the planet. I'm certain that somewhere out there some school supply company or another is trying to inject verve and fasion into protractors, and I'm equally certain they're failing. The day they invent something else that can protract, I'm all over it. D

Glue Sticks
I like glue sticks. They're sensible fun. Those little pastepot dipper sticks that were attached to the lid were always vaguely incomprehensible to me. Twenty years later and I still kind of find them baffling. But glue sticks, man, they're the easiest thing in the world. Turn the knob and you're easing down Glue Street on a sunny day! A

Roundy Scissors
Yes, they're safer, but do they really prepare our children for life? The real world has a lot of pointy scissors, bunky. A child who's grown up on a fantasy island of rounded cutting implements is going to be in for a harsh lesson when it's time to enter reality. A harsh, pointed, gouging lesson that leaves a mark. B-