Charlie
Charlie's okay in a sort of Neo-Dickensian pathetic blond boy way. It's his Grampa Joe that bugs me. You'd think that if he could drag his geriatric ass out of bed to go visit a damned candy factory, he could have, at some point, gotten up and gotten a job instead of letting Charlie's mom change his bedpans and make him cabbage soup for twenty years. But no, he just sits there soaking up her largesse, and when there's something he wants to do, suddenly it's miracle time. But that's not Charlie's fault. C+

Augustus Gloop
You'd think the Oompa-Loompas would be more charitable toward Augustus, given that their entire livelihood depends on people like him tossing back empty calories. But then again the Loompas seem to lack perspective throughout: they keep saying that if you follow their little moral ditties then you'll be happy like them, which sounds pretty good until you realize they're a bunch of orange midgets in a labor camp. Makes a weakness for bratwurst sounds pretty healthy in comparison. C+

Mike Teevee
This kid's supposed to be a hellion, but these days he seems quaint. I mean, he watches westerns. If he was around these days he'd be playing Redneck Rampage with the Extra Carnage Pack and living for the ladder on Heat.Net, so a few hours a day with Roy Rogers seems charming. B

Veruca Salt
We have a conundrum here. Veruca is a thoroughly repulsive pre-teen, repugnant from frame one. Every word out of her mouth makes you want to slap her so hard your palm print will still be visible in her first driver's license photo, and her eventual comeuppance is a physical relief. Okay, fine, but she's supposed to be a bitch princess, so does she get a high score or a low one? I'm going to put characterization over personality and give her an A

Violet Beauregarde
Violet rocks. She's got great lines from "Stop squawking, you twit" to "What is this, a freak-out?" She knows what she's into -- gum -- and she excels at it. Sure, her personality wasn't exactly exploding with social graces, but considering her car salesman father and the dinks around her, that was understandable. I kept hoping she'd completely lose it and kick Veruca's ass from white to bittersweet and back again. A