I like food with interchangeable ingredients. It's like the culinary equivalent of Legos, only it hurts less when you pull it apart with your teeth. Omelets score big points on this front, because most breakfast places give you a big list of crap you can have folded into that bad boy, and often you'll run into some weird item you'd never have considered. Dijon mustard? Cottage cheese? Fatback? A

Hard-boiled eggs, as I've mentioned previously, are not my cup on animal protein. But it's a proud tradition of my Arkie heritage that there's nothing that can't be improved with some mayonnaise, and that everything looks fancy with paprika sprinkled on it. Thus, the devilled egg. It also works if you just toss out the yolk and fill the egg cavity with aerosol cheese. B+

It's a sign of my increasing maturity that if I break the yolk on my fried eggs I no longer go into a week-long depression. A big help in this direction was getting over my sense of inferiority to Denny's short order cooks. I realized that the reason I never get a broken yolk at a restaurant is because the cooks can trash any failures. For all I know, it took a carton of eggs for the cook to get me a perfect pair of fried eggs. Two cartons if I ordered the Extra Slam. A-

I dunno, scrambled eggs don't, you know, do it for me. They're so homogeneous. I always end up adding onions and garlic and cheese and whatnot to them, and at that point you've basically made an omelet you stir. As excuses to pull out the Tabasco go, they're okay, but nothing to send the pastor email about. C-

I like coddled eggs. I didn't know what they were until ten minutes ago, but I liked them already. It just sounds good. It's nice to live in a society so luxurious that we can coddle our breakfast dishes. I think we should go all the way and make mollycoddled eggs. Nothing's too good for our eggs. C+