The Brunching Shuttlecocks Features

Pokemon: The First Movie

Gotta Catch 'Em All.

Even if you don't understand any of them.

Pokemon: The First Movie has been unleashed upon us all. Since the darned thing opened number 1, I had to go catch it and review it. Even though, having lived through puberty, I'm not expected to understand it or even enjoy it. In fact, I think the entire purpose of this movie, as well as the TV series, books, video games, trading cards, diapers, cooking utensils, contact lenses and birth control pills, is to undermine the authority of the grown-up.

What is Pokemon? Well, if you know the answer to that question, then you've already seen this movie, in fact you saw it on opening day. If you don't know the answer to that question, then you have no intention of ever seeing this movie anyway, so who really cares? Lots of major publications didn't bother to review this movie for that very reason. There is absolutely nothing I or any other less-accomplished movie critic could say about this movie that would make someone decide to see or not see it. You are either addicted to the franchise, fighting withdrawl pangs every seven days because KidsWB only shows it six days a week, or not. But anyway, here's a quick synopsis.

Pokemons are pocket monsters. A bunch of human Pokemon trainers catch them in little balls and use them to save the world. An evil, bio-engineered Pokemon, Mewtwo wants to kill everyone, human and Pokemon, and take over the world. They meet on an island. They fight. The world is saved. (Hope I didn't ruin the movie for anyone.)

Actually, what would have really made this movie work for me would have been if the evil, bio-engineered Mewtwo won. Instead of him acknowledging that fighting just isn't nice, he should smash all of the pathetic Pokemons in attendance and rule over all with an iron fist of cruelty.

Alas, there's a happy ending.

Actually, when seeing Pokemon:The First Movie, you actually see two flicks. A little short called Pikachu's Vacation, and then the main feature. So I guess the experience should be called Pokemon: The First Couple of Movies. In Pikachu's Vacation, Pikachu (he's the main Pokemon, everyone's favorite. An unholy union of Tweety Bird and Nermal, the annoying little kitty in the Garfield strip.) travels around and meets all the Pokemons. All 150 or so of them. One by one. You almost think the short's meant to test all members of the Pokemon Army, make sure they're up to snuff on their knowledge of Pokemon, for when they are called to battle to help Pikachu take over the world.

You laugh, it'll happen. The Army of the New Millenium is being trained under our very noses.

Is this a good movie? Depends -- are you still teething? From an non-disciple's point of view, the animation is pretty crude and the script doesn't actually exist (I think the writers just played the video game for a while and wrote down what happened.) However, on the plus side for Pokejunkies everywhere, Pikachu is, like, fifty feet high on the movie screen! You can't beat that!

I think Pokemon has gone far enough. Barney and The Teletubbies were cute, but did they inspire an empire? We should start some 12-step programs.

"Hi, my name is Ronald, and I love Poliwrath."

"Hi Ronald."

Oh, OK, before I forget, one last thing that is proof that Pokemon is demon-born. None of them talk. Well they talk, but they can only say their name. So Pikachu walks around muttering "Pikachu! Pikachu! Pikachu!" like a sad, deranged grandfather high on helium. But the kids, somehow, understand this. They get it. They run around spouting "Pikachu! Machop! Eevee!" and then others respond. "Psyduck! Diglett! Jigglypuff!" Nonsense to us, but to them, the code of the apocolypse.

So I want to give Pokemon: The First Movie a rating, but I can't. 1, 2, 3 Babylons. Who knows? Who cares? You've either already seen the darned movie or you were alive in the eighties.

Editor's Note:

Editor! Editor editor! Editor...editor? Editor editor, editor editor editor.

Pokemon: the First Movie
Rated: G
Directed By: Michael Haigney and Kunohiko Yuyama
Starring: Bulbasaur, Ivysaur, Venusaur, Rattata, Raticate, Spearow, Fearow, Ekans, Arbok, Pikachu, Raichu, Sandshrew, Sandslash, Nidoran (Female), Ninetails, Vulpix, Clefable, Clefairy, Nidoking, Nidorino, Nidoran (Male), Nidoqueen, Nidorina, Pidgeot, Pidgeotto, Pidgey, Beedrill, Kakuna, Weedle, Butterfree, Metapod, Caterpie, Blastoise, Wartortle, Squirtle, Charizard, Charmeleon, Charmander, Jigglypuff, Wigglytuff, Zubat, Golbat, Bolbat, Oddish, Gloom, Vileplume, Paras, Parasect, Venonat, Venomoth, Diglett, Dugtrio, Meowth, Persian, Psyduck, Golduck, Mankey, Primeape, Growlithe, Arcanine, Poliwag, Poliwhirl, Poliwrath, Abra, Kadabra, Alakazam, Machop, Machoke, Machamp, Bellsprout, Weepinbell, Victreebel, Tentacool, Tentacruel, Geodude, Graveler, Golem, Ponyta, Rapidash, Slowpoke, Slowbro, Magnemite, Magneton, Farfetch'd, Doduo, Dodrio, Seel, Dewgong, Grimer, Muk, Shellder, Cloyster, Gastly, Haunter, Gengar, Onix, Drowzee, Hypno, Krabby, Kingler, Voltorb, Electrode, Exeggcute, Exeggutor, Cubone, Marowak, Hitmonlee, Hitmonchan, Lickitung, Koffing, Weezing, Rhyhorn, Rhydon, Chansey, Tangela, Kangaskhan, Horsea, Seadra, Goldeen, Seaking, Staryu, Starmie, Mr. Mime, Scyther, Jynx, Electabuzz, Magmar, Pinsir, Tauros, Magikarp, Gyarados, Lapras, Ditto, Eevee, Vaporeon, Jolteon, Flareon, Porygon, Omanyte, Omastar, Kabuto, Kabutops, Aerodactyl, Snorlax, Articuno, Zapdos, Moltres, Dratini, Dragonair, Dragonite, Mewtwo and Mew

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