by David Neilsen

Being a slave to ego, I did search in Alta Vista for my name. I got back 65 listings.

But only 28 of them are actually me, with 26 of those being Brunching Shuttlecock articles. (My other two mentions are in an article by a friend of mine about working with Presidents and the Pope, and my name on a list of past "Name The Movie Quote" winners.)

That leaves 37 entries under the name "David Neilsen" that are not referring to me.

Of those 37, one is a 14-year old on a youth panel, and the other 36, near as I can tell are split between two people:

A) A dog breeder in South Carolina

and

B) a physics professor in Texas.

The breeder I'm not worried about, and only a handful of the entries are about him. The Physics Professor however, is trouble.

He has about as many entries as I do. And while most of mine are examples of classic Shuttlecock Comedy, most of his are brilliant physics papers and theories. This includes his Master's Thesis entitled:

A Search for an Interior Solution in General Relativity Using Lie-Baecklund Symmetries

Intimidating, isn't it?

So I tried reading it. I failed. Damn. I always thought I was smart. But it turns out there's a smarter David Neilsen out there. Then I saw a picture. This guy's a hunk! A total hunk! And he's got a gorgeous wife and two beautiful kids! And he's a genius!

He's better than me.

Now I've gotten used to being second fiddle in life for a while, but I always thought that, not matter what else, I'm the best darned David Neilsen I can be.

Now even that's been taken from me.

Life has no purpose. I am useless.

Let this be a lesson to you all. Don't do a search for your name in Alta Vista. You don't want to know who's out there.

This is the less important David Neilsen, signing off.